[MUFFLER RATTLING]
NICE MUFFLER!
WE SHOULD DEFINITELY BE GETTING A RIDE.
RIGHT HERE IS THE BEST SPOT.
THIS IS COOL.
HITCHHIKING.
IT'S, LIKE, IN KEROUAC, YOU KNOW?
KEROUAC?
JACK KEROUAC.
HE WROTE ON THE ROAD.
KIM, WE'VE BEEN READING IT IN ENGLISH CLASS
FOR THE LAST 2 WEEKS. WHERE'VE YOU BEEN?
ALL WE EVER DO IN THAT CLASS IS READ.
OOH, OOH, OOH! STICK OUT YOUR THUMB, WOULD YA?
WE'RE SO SHELTERED, YOU KNOW?
THERE'S THIS WHOLE OTHER AMERICA OUT THERE.
AND THE PERSON WHO PICKS US UP COULD BE AN ARTIST
OR A PSYCHIC OR AN ESCAPED FELON.
IT'S SO EXCITING.
OK, ONE THING THAT HELPS...
POINT YOUR BOOBS TOWARDS THE ROAD.
REDNECK!
OOPS...I MEAN...
COOL GUY. COME ON!
HEY. DROP US AS CLOSE TO THE CORNER
OF WILSON AND ELM AS YOU CAN.
HI, I'M LINDSAY.
THIS IS KIM.
SO, ARE YOU FROM AROUND THESE PARTS?
1210 LILAC TERRACE.
OH.
SO WHAT DO YOU DO?
YOU PICK UP HITCHHIKERS A LOT?
LISTENI KNOW YOU.
I BUY GEAR FROM YOUR DAD'S STORE.
I DON'T THINK YOU GIRLS SHOULD BE DOIN' THIS,
AND I FEEL OBLIGED TO TELL HIM WHAT YOU'RE UP TO.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY DREAMWORKS TELEVISION L.L.C.
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY REPUTATION
LIVIN' IN THE PAST, IT'S A NEW GENERATION
GO AND DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO
AND THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO
AND I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO
NOT ME
WHAH! NO!
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO
NOT ME
ME, ME, ME, ME
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY REPUTATION
'VE NEVER BEEN AFRAID OF ANY DEVIATION
AND I DON'T REALLY CARE IF YOU THINK I'M STRANGE
I AIN'T GONNA CHANGE
AND I NEVER GONNA CARE 'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION
OT ME!
THIS...THE THUMB?
DO YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
I KNOW, LINDSAY.
IT MEANS, "HEY, STRANGER,
"PLEASE LOCK ME IN YOUR CAR,
DRIVE ME TO GOD KNOWS WHERE AND MURDER ME."
DAD, YOU'RE OVERREACTING.
LINDSAY, I WILL NOT HAVE MY DAUGHTER HOPPING INTO CARS
LIKE SOME WOMAN OF THE NIGHT.
YOU COULD HAVE BEEN PICKED UP BY TED BUNDY.
DAD, KIM DOES IT ALL THE TIME.
DON'T BE SO OVERDRAMATIC.
WHAT, HER PARENTS LET HER HITCHHIKE?
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
I BET SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE PARENTS.
OF COURSE SHE DOES, DAD.
MOM, YOU TALKED TO HER MOM ON THE PHONE.
WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD MEET HER.
I USED TO KNOW ALL YOUR FRIENDS' PARENTS.
YOU KNOW...
WE SHOULD INVITE HER OVER FOR DINNER.
GET ACQUAINTED.
YEAH.
MOM, NO. PLEASE?
YEAH, WELL, I THINK SHE OUGHTA KNOW
WHAT A BAD INFLUENCE HER DAUGHTER IS, DON'T YOU?
ALL RIGHT, GUYS,
LET'S PLAY A LITTLE SOFTBALL.
PICK YOUR TEAM, GENTS.
OH, MAN, HERE WE GO.
I'VE GOT LEWIS.
GOT HUMPHRIES.
ATHCLIFF.
SHAWN! PICK ME.
UM, JEREMY.
PICK ME, PICK ME.
WINNINGTON.
NO...HE SUCKS.
MIKE.
I'M GOOD. JUSTIN.
HENRY.
OK, WHITE.
ALL RIGHT, DIVVY 'EM UP. LET'S GO.
COME ON. LET'S GO.
THERE IS NO LANGUAGE IN OUR LUNGS
TTELL THE WORLD JUST HOW WE FEEL
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO
BRIDGE OF THOUGHTS
NO MENTAL LINK
NO LETTING OUT JUST WHAT YOU THINK
THERE IS NO LANGUAGE IN OUR LUNGS
LUNGS, LUNGS, LUNGS
THERE IS NO MUSCLE IN OUR TONGUES
TONGUES, TONGUES, TONGUES
HEY.
HEY, NICK.
HOW'S IT GOIN'?
[BELL RINGS]
IT'S GOIN'.
GREAT.
YEAH.
IT IS GREAT.
IT'S NEVER BEEN GREATER.
HEY.
HEY, KIM.
SO...WHAT HAPPENED WITH YOUR PARENTS?
YOU, LIKE, GROUNDED?
OH, NOT EXACTLY.
MY PARENTS WANNA MEET YOUR MOM.
WHAT?
YEAH, THEY WANNA GET TO KNOW HER.
SHUT UP.
NO, I'M SERIOUS.
THEY'RE INVITING HER OVER FOR DINNER.
COULD YOU BE QUIET, PLEASE?
CLASS IS STARTING.
TODAY...WE ARE NOT IN A CLASSROOM.
WE ARE IN A COFFEEHOUSE.
AND YOU ARE NOT STUDENTS.
YOU ARE BEAT POETS.
AND WE'RE GONNA BE READING ALOUD.
HEY, BATTA-BATTA-BATTA.
SWING, BATTA-BATTA-BATTA.
MISS! BATTA--
COULD YOU BE QUIET, PLEASE?
YEAH, I'M REALLY A SHORTSTOP.
IS THAT SO?
HEY, THEY GOT A MEETING ON THE MOUND.
I WONDER WHAT THEY'RE TALKIN' ABOUT.
YEAH...
MUST BE FASCINATING.
I HATE THIS.
THIS IS SO UNFAIR.
MAYBE I'M GOOD.
THEY DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE I'M UNBELIEVABLY GOOD.
BUT ARE THEY EVER GONNA FIND OUT?
UH-UH. NO.
WHERE I CAN- 'CAUSE THEY NEVER PUT ME IN A POSITION
- WHERE I COULD CATCH A STUPID BALL.
I HATE THEM.
MAYBE THEY'RE SCARED OF YOU.
COME ON, LADIES.
MAYBE.
[WHISTLING] HEY, CHUCK!
LOOK ALIVE OUT THERE! COME ON!
LET'S PLAY SOME BALL.
UH-HUH. WAIT.
ALL THE TEACHERS' NUMBERS ARE THERE?
YEAH.
OOH.
PHONE.
THINK WE COULD BE ARRESTED FOR MAKING PRANK CALLS?
AND WE'LL GET SENT YEAH.TO TELEPHONE PRISON.
OH. HA HA.
[RING]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO?
UH, HMM. HELLO? COACH FREDRICKS?
YES.
THIS IS MR. CRISP.
GORDON CRISP'S FATHER.
MR. CRISP?
UH, HOW ARE YOU?
NOT GOOD. I WANT TO GIVE YOU A PIECE OF MY MIND.
I THINK IT'S VERY UNFAIR
THE WAY YOU'VE BEEN RUNNING BASEBALL IN GYM CLASS.
YOU ALWAYS LET THE JOCK KIDS RUN THE GAME.
NOW, SOME KIDS, LIKE GORDON MY SON,
NEVER--NEVER GET A CHANCE
'CAUSE YOU GUYS THINK HE'S NOT VERY GOOD.
FOR EXAMPLE, HE MAY WANNA PLAY SHORTSTOP,
BUT, UH, YEAH, YOU NEVER GIVE HIM A SHOT.
LOOK, I'M SORRY, BUT, UH, YOU KNOW I ALWAYS ASSUMED
GORDON, UH, DIDN'T HAVE ANY INTEREST IN SPORTS.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
WELL, HE DOES.
DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER.
OH, I--I--I, UH,
I APOLOGIZE. ALL RIGHT?
I'LL RECTIFY THE SITUATION IMMEDIATELY.
OK, THEN. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD-BYE NOW.
ALL RIGHT, BYE.
GORDON CRISP!
I DID IT.
WHAT DID HE SAY?
HE TOTALLY BOUGHT I
HE CALLED ME MR. CRISP AND EVERYTHING.
FELLAS, I JUST CHANGED OUR LIVES.
OH, GREAT.
NOW WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO ACTUALLY PLAY BASEBALL.
THANKS A LOT.
I CAN'T WAIT TILL TOMORROW.
YOU HAVE SUCH A LOVELY HOUSE.
THANK YOU.
I HAD A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE ONCE.
OH, YEAH.
UP ON MAPLE DRIVE.
MMM.
THEN KIM'S FATHER LEFT ME WITH 2 KIDS,
AND A HUGE MORTGAGE AND, WELL...
THAT'S LIFE, HUH?
I CAN'T IMAGINE HOW DIFFICULT IT MUST BE
TO RAISE CHILDREN BY YOURSELF.
OHIT ISN'T EASY.
CHIP, MY OLDEST, OH, HE'S A DOLL.
HE'S GOT WATER IN HIS BRAIN, BUT, OH, HE'S A SWEET KID.
KIM, SHE'S ANOTHER STORY.
YEAH, TELL US ABOUT KIM.
WELL SHE AIN'T THE SHARPEST CRAYON IN THE BOX.
SHE'S A BIG PAIN IN THE NECK.
AND I KNOW SHE HATES ME FOR BEING STRICT...
I GET WORRIED.
OF COURSE YOU DO.
BECAUS
E I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOIN' OUT THERE.
SHE LIES.
THESE GIRLS TODAY, THEY ALL LIE.
SHE SAYS TO ME...
"I MM-HMM.
'M GONNA GO STUDY AT THE LIBRARY."
SHE GOES TO A PARTY. SHE GETS LOADED.
SHE SAYS SHE'S SEEIN' A MOVIE...
SHE'S FOOLIN' AROUND WITH SOME GUY IN THE BACK OF A VAN.
OH, MY.
WANT TO KNOW HOW I FIND OUT?
HOW?
I READ HER DIARY.
I SNEAK INTO HER ROOM, AND I READ IT.
OH, SHE WON'T DO HER HOMEWORK,
BUT SHE'S GOT A FREAKIN' NOVEL IN THERE.
I HAVE TO.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY I GET THE TRUTH.
AND YOU WANNA KNOW SOMETHIN'?
THE TRUTH IS VERY SCARY.
BECAUSE TIMES HAVE CHANGED.
THESE GIRLS TODAY...
OH, THEY RUN WILD.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
HEY.
SO HOW WAS DINNER?
LINDSAY, YOUR MOTHER AND I DON'T WANT YOU SPENDING ANY MORE TIME
WITH KIM KELLY. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
NO, DAD, SHE'S MY FRIEND.
I MEAN, YES, SHE'S NOT LIKE MILLIE, BUT--
NO, SHE'S NOT LIKE MILLIE, ALL RIGHT.
SHE'S AS DUMB AS A CRAYON.
EVEN HER OWN MOTHER SAYS SO.
DAD, JUST BECAUSE KIM'S MOTHER IS INSANE--
NO, SHE'S NOT INSANE, HONEY, SHE'S PRACTICALLY A SAINT.
LINDSAY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN YOU PUT A ROTTEN BANANA IN A FRUIT BOWL?
ALL THE OTHER BANANAS GO ROTTEN.
AND THAT'S WHAT KIM KELLY IS: A BAD BANANA.
MRS. KELLY HAD SOME PRETTY ALARMING THINGS TO TELL US ABOUT KIM.
LIKE WHAT?
THAT SHE EXPERIMENTS.
WITH DRUGS!
AND BOYS!
IS THAT TRUE, HONEY?
ENOUGH SAID.
NOW, NO MORE KIM KELLY!
YOU KNOW, MAYBE SHE NEEDS HER HEAD SHRUNK.
HAROLD...
IT'S ABOUT TRUST, AND FRANKLY...
I DON'T THINK I TRUST HER ANYMORE.
LINDSAY'S ALWAYS BEEN VERY HONEST WITH US.
YEAH?
WELL, SHE TOLD US SHE DIDN'T CHEAT.
AND WE BELIEVED HER.
WE ENDED UP WITH EGG ON OUR FACES.
DOES LINDSAY HAVE A DIARY?
YEAH. I THINK I'VE SEEN HER WRITING IN IT.
HAROLD, NO!
THAT IS HER PRIVATE PROPERTY.
I JUST WANNA KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
I HAD A DIARY WHEN I WAS LITTLE.
IF MY PARENTS HAD READ IT, I WOULD'VE BEEN FURIOUS.
IT'S SUCH A VIOLATION.
SPOONING WITH A STRANGER
IN THE BACK SEAT OA VAN, THAT'S A VIOLATION!
SHE HASN'T DONE THAT.
THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO KNOW FOR SURE.
GOOD NIGHT, DEAR.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOTALL RIGHT, I WANT CRISP.
YOU HEARD HIM, CRISP, COME ON.
JOIN YOUR TEAM.
YOU WANNA PLAY SHORTSTOP?
NO. NO, I LIKE PLAYING BACK-UP RIGHT.
YOU SURE?
YEAH, I LIKE PLAYING BACK-UP.
I CAN PLAY SHORTSTOP.
YEAH. AND, UH, I'M MARRIED TO RAQUEL WELCH.
IN MY DREAMS.
PHILLIPS, YOUR PICK.
ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA TAKE, UH, NOT HAVERCHUCK.
HEH HEH. FUNNY.
HEY!
HEY, KIM.
SO MY MOM, LIKE, LOVED YOUR PARENTS.
GUESS IT WENT ALL RIGHT.
YEAH, I GUESS.
WHAT DID YOUR PARENTS SAY?
OH, THEY REALLY LIKED YOUR MOM.
COOL. YOU KNOW, I'M GLAD IT WORKED OUT.
AND THEY ALSO SAID...
OH, THEY'RE SUCH DORKS.
GET THIS.
I'M NOT ALLOWED TO HANG OUT WITH YOU.
IT'LL BLOW OVER.
WE'VE JUST GOT TO WAIT IT OUT A WHILE, YOU KNOW?
OH.
WELL, WHAT DID THEY SAY ABOUT ME?
I DON'T KNOW.
NO, YOU CAN TELL ME.
I'M INTERESTED.
HE SAID YOU'RE A BAD BANANA.
AREN'T THEY QUEER?
YEAH, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, YOU KNOW?
I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS LIKE A BAD INFLUENCE.
WELL, WHAT ELSE DID THEY SAY ABOUT ME?
TELL ME!
[BELL RINGS]
KIM, I DON'T KNOW.
YOU'RE NOT SMART, YOU DO DRUGS, YOU HAVE SEX...
STUPID STUFF LIKE THAT.
MY PARENTS ARE MORONS, KIM.
WAIT. YOU DON'T ACTUALLY THINK THAT I CARE
ABOUT WHAT YOUR PARENTS THINK OF ME, DO YOU?
NO. OF COURSE NOT.
NO.
LINDSAY!
MUEVES TU CULA.
UH, JUST A MINUTE.
EN ESPA}OL.
LO SIENTO SE}OR O'HARA,
PERO ESTA HABLANDO CON MI AMIGA.
ES IMPORTANTE.
LA CLASE ES IMPORTANTE, TAMBIEN.
YO SE, PERO PUEDE ESTERAR UN MOMENTO POR FAVOR.
KIM!
SE}ORITA, AHORA.
WHAT?
WELL, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, RIGHT?
YEAH. SURE.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
LINDSAY?
WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING HER NAME?
SHE'S IN SCHOOL, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
MY HEART IS RACING, HAROLD.
I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD BE DOING THIS.
WELL, LOOK, JEAN, WE WANNA FIND OUT
WHAT'S GOING ON IN OUR DAUGHTER'S LIFE, DON'T WE?
I MEAN, FOR ALL WE KNOW, SHE COULD BECOME A JUNKIE
OR A HOOKER!
HAROLD, SHE IS NOT GONNA BECOME A HOOKER.
WELL, EVERYBODY'S GOT PARENTS, JEAN.
EVEN HOOKERS.
REMEMBER THAT TV MOVIE WE SAW?
SHH. HURRY UP.
THESE STAMPS...
I HEARD THE KIDS PUT LSD ON THE BACK OF THEM.
ARE YOU THERE, GOD? IT'S ME, MARGARET.
WHAT?
OH, JUST THE NAME OF A BOOK.
AHA! BIRTH CONTROL PILLS.
OUR LITTLE DAUGHTER WITH A...
SEWING KIT.
[WHISPING] Harold... WHAT?
Here it is.
YOU GOT IT?
WELL, COME ON. BREAK IT OUT.
MAYBE WE SHOULD DO THIS LATER.
NOW, JEAN, LOOK...
MY LUNCH HOUR'S ALMOST OVER.
THE STORE'S NOT GONNA RUN ITSELF.
COME ON, LET'S GO. SHH-SHH.
"WARNING TO ALL SNOOPS! DO NOT READ BEYOND THIS PAGE.
"IF YOU READ ON, IT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO LIFE AND NOTHING BETTER TO DO
"THAN TO PRY INTO MINE.
"ANYONE WHO KEEPS READING ON IS CURSED
AND WILL SUFFER UNTIL THEY DIE A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH."
WOO-OO-OO-OO!
REAL SCARED. READ ON!
WHAT'S IT Y ABOUT KIM KELLY?
OH, NOTHING. JUST THAT SHE THINKS KIM HAS, UH...
WHAT? WELL, UH, UH...
A DIFFERENT WORD FOR COURAGE.
NOT...OH.
WELL, DOES IT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT DRUGS?
POT? ACID?
I DON'T THINK SO.
WELL, WHAT DOES IT SAY?
OH, HERE, HERE. "I'M--I'M SICK OF LIVING
IN THIS CLAUSTROPHOBIC SUBURBAN WORLD..."
OH, GET USED TO IT.
"WHERE EVERYONE IS TRYING TO FIT IN.
"I FEEL LIKE I LIVE IN A WORLD OF SCARED ROBOTS.
"HONESTLY, THIS IS TERRIBLE,
BUT 2 OF THE WORST ONES ARE MOM AND DAD."
WHAT? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
"THEY ARE THE MOST BORING REPRESSED PEOPLE
ON THE FACE OF THE ENTIRE EARTH."
REPRESSED? I'LL REPRESS HER.
"THEY SAY THEY LOVE EACH OTHER, BUT WHO KNOWS?
"IT'S PROBABLY JUST PART OF THEIR ROUTINE.
ANYWAY, CAN ROBOTS REALLY BE IN LOVE?"
HAROLD, I--I DON'T THINK WE SULD BE READING THIS.
YEAH--YEAH, KEEP READING.
LET'S SEE...
"THEIR WHOLE LIFE IS THIS MONOTONOUS ROUTINE.
"SHE COOKS DINNER, PRACTICALLY THE SAME MEAL EVERY NIGHT.
"HE COMES HOME BARKING AT EVERYONE LIKE A FASCIST DICTATOR
WHO'S SCARED HIS..." [CHUCKLES]
WHAT?
"WHO'S SCARED HIS PENIS WILL FALL OFF
WALK ALL OVER HER.
"I LOVE THEM, BUT IT'S NOT THE LIFE FOR ME.
NO, THANK YOU."
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
I'LL GET IT IN THE OTHER ROOM.
[RING]
THE WORST WOULD BE GETTING EATEN ALIVE BY WOLVES.
FROM THE FEET UP.
UH-UH. NO.
IT'D BE WORSE IF YOU WERE, LIKE, A DEEP-SEA DIVER,
AND YOU CAME UP TOO QUICK AND YOUR HEAD, LIKE, EXPLODED.
OH, YEAH, THAT'S WORSE. LOT OF PRESSURE--
YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS ARE REALLY MORBID.
KIM, YOU ASKED THE QUESTION.
YEAH, BUT I DIDN'T THINK WE'D BE TALKING ABOUT IT
FOR HALF AN HOUR. HEY, GUYS.
HEY.
I GOTTA, UH...
GO TO SHOP CLASS.
I SORTA TOLD KEN I'D MEET HIM THERE.
YEAH...YOU KNOW, COME TO THINK OF IT...
I SHOULD PROBABLY GET GOING, TOO.
'CAUSE I GOTTA GO...
YOU KNOW, DO DRUGS...
OH, YEAH, AND HAVE SEX.
WHAT?
LINDSAY KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
OH...
IS THIS ABOUT WHAT MY PARENTS SAID?
OH! YOU KNOW WHAT, I TOLD YOU, LINDSAY,
I DON'T GIVE WHAT YOUR PARENTS SAY ABOUT ME.
WELL, WHY ARE YOU SO MAD?
WELL, I DO GIVE WHAT MY FRIENDS SAY ABOUT ME.
I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
UH, YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO CLEAR A ROOM.
IS THIS THE BEST CEREAL YOU'VE GOT?
I DON'T KNOW.
I NEVER EAT BREAKFAST.
I JUST HAVE MY COFFEE.
BEFORE OR AFTER YOU SHAVE?
DON'T YOU HAVE ANY SUGAR CEREALS?
NOT IN THIS HOUSE. ROTS THE CHOPPERS.
HEY,AD.
OH, HEY, DR. SCHWEIBER.
SAM, BILL.
GOT YOUR SHOES OFF?
GOOD.
SO YOU GUYS GOT BIG PLANS FOR THE AFTERNOON?
NOT REALLY.
WE'RE GONNA MAKE SOME PHONE CALLS.
IX-NAY IG-BAY OUTH-MAY.
HEY--HEY--HEY!
I SPEAK PIG LATIN, TOO, YOU KNOW.
WHO YOU GUYS GONNA CALL?
MEAN PEOPLE.
OH. PRANK CALLS, HUH?
OH, WELL. BOYS WILL BE BOYS.
[CHUCKLING] I COULD TELL YOU SOME GREAT PRANK CALL STORIES.
REALLY?
ALL RIGHT.
JUST ONE.
WE USED TO PICK OUT A NUMBER,
AND WE'D CALL IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
WE'D KEEP ASKING FOR MAURICE, YOU KNOW?
WE'D CALL AND SAY, "HELLO, IS MAURICE THERE?
HEY, IS MAURICE AT HOME?"
YOU GOT THE IDEA? WE'D CALL FOR MAURICE A LOT.
WE'D CALL BACK AN HOUR LATER AND GO, "HELLO. THIS IS MAURICE. ANY MESSAGES?"
ANYWAY...
JUST KEEP IT CLEAN, ALL RIGHT?
NO HEAVY BREATHING.
OK. SEE YOU LATER, SHORT-STUFF.
OK.
HEAVY BREATHING. THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
HE
Y, I THOUGHT YOUR DAD WORKED DURING THE DAY.
MMM. SOMETIMES HE COMES HOME TO CHANGE HIS SHIRT.
ROOT CANALS MAKE HIM SWEATY.
LISTEN TO THIS. THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[RING]
HELLO?
Bill: FREDRICKS?
YOU'RE A TURD. A STINKY, FAT TURD.
GO SNIFF A JOCKSTRAP, YOU POOP-HEAD.
YOU LOVE PATTING BOYS' BUTTS.
BUTT-- YOU BUTT PATTER.
YOU'RE A PERV AND A LOSER...
AND A STINKY...TURD.
WHO WAS THAT?
IT'S, UH, AN OLD FRIEND.
OH-HO.
OH, YOU BETTER HOPE HE DOESN'T FIND YOU OUT.
YOU KNOW, IF THE COPS TRACE THAT...
YOU'RE SO DEAD.
NO, IF THE COPS TRACE THE CALL, YOU'RE DEAD.
WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS, ANYWAY?
I DON'T KNOW.
LET'S TALK ABOUT IT FOR 4 MORE HOURS AND TRY TO FIND OUT.
OH! AND YOU SHOULD'VE HEARD HER SPEAKING SPANISH.
"UN MOMENT--UN MOMENT. KIM--KIM!"
OH, THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE.
YEAH. SHE THINKS SHE'S THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND OR SOMETHING.
HMM.
OH, MAN!
YOU KNOW, WILL YOU GET ME A STICK?
I'M GONNA KILL THAT DOG!
GROSS.
I MEAN, WHO ARE THEY, YOU KNOW?
THE GREAT WEIRS TO CALL ME A WHORE AND A DRUG ADDICT?
WELL, THEY DIDN'T ACTUALLY CALL YOU A WHORE AND A DRUG ADDICT.
BASICALLY, THEY DID.
AND...I'M NOT JUST SOME WHORE, YOU KNOW?
THEY JUST CAN'T TAKE IT THAT I HAVE SEX, YOU KNOW?
THEY'RE AFRAID SOME BAD MAN'S GONNA COME ALONG
AND SOIL THEIR PERFECT LITTLE DAUGHTER.
WELL, YOU DO HAVE SEX.
WELL, YEAH. WITH YOU.
YEAH, AND I'M A BAD MAN.
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
I DON'T KNOW.
IF I HAD SOME DAUGHTER IN HIGH SCHOOL,
I WOULDN'T WANT SOME GUY CRAWLIN' ALL OVER HER.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I'M JUST SAYING IT'S NOT LIKE THEY DON'T HAVE A POINT.
I MEAN, WHO WANTS THEIR KID TO HAVE SEX AND DO DRUGS?
NOBODY.
YOU'RE A JERK.
HEY, DON'T GET MAD AT ME.
I'M JUST TRYIN' TO BE RATIONAL.
ARE YOU CALLING ME IRRATIONAL?
BECAUSE I'LL TEAR YOUR HEAD OFF, DANIEL.
I'LL TEAR IT OFF, AND I'LL THROW IT OVER THAT FENCE.
HEY.
I'M NOT SAYING I DON'T LOVE YOU.
I LIKE THE WAY YOU ARE.
YOU PROBABLY JUST SCARE THE HELL OUT OF THEM.
OH. AND HOW AM I?
YOU...
ARE A SEX-CRAZED DRUG ADDICT.
SCREW YOU!
HEY, COME ON.
I DIDN'T MEAN NOTHIN'.
I'M JUST TRYIN' TO SPICE UP THE CONVERSATION.
SAM, YOU GETTING A KICKBACK FROM THE FIRE DEPARTMENT?
NO. MOM WAS THE ONE WHO PUT THE CANDLES ON THE TABLE.
OK. I'VE GOT SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR US TONIGHT.
TA-DA!
WHAT THE HELL?
UH, HAROLD, THEY'RE CORNISH GAME HEN WITH A PLUM WINE SAUCE.
THEY'RE FANTASTIC.
WHAT'D YOU DO, PUT POISON IN A BIRD FEEDER?
THEY'RE EXOTIC.
IS IT A PIGEON?
IT IS NOT A PIGEON.
IT'S A KIND OF A CHICKEN.
JEAN, YOU KNOW WE CAN AFFORD TO BUY FULLY GROWN CHICKENS.
THAT-A-GIRL, LINDSAY.
IT'S GOOD TO TRY NEW THINGS.
LINDSAY, WATCH OUT!
THAT LITTLE MINIATURE BIRD OF YOURS IS TRYING TO ESCAPE!
BUT DON'T WORRY!
MY LITTLE CHICKEN WILL HELP HIM
'CAUSE I'M A BRAVE LITTLE CHICKEN!
I'M THE HERO, AM I NOT?
YES! IS THAT RIGHT?
THAT'S RIGHT.
FOLLOW ME! WE WILL GO! LET'S TAKE OFF! WHOA!
WHOO!
HEY, MOM, DAD'S PLAYING WITH HIS FOOD.
WELL, IT'S BETTER THAN EATING IT.
JUST TRY IT.
THEY'RE DELICIOUS.
HELP YOURSELF TO MINE.
I'M GONNA GO MAKE A SANDWICH.
YEAH, ME, TOO.
SIT DOWN.
HAROLD, IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA EAT,
HELP CLEAR THE TABLE.
WHAT?
THAT'S NOT MY JOB.
OH, BUT IT'S MINE?
YES.
YOU DON'T RUN A STORE FOR 12 HOURS A DAY.
ALL RIGHT, SETTLE DOWN.
DON'T BOTHER CHANGING YET.
OH, GREAT. SCOLIOSIS TESTING AGAIN.
SHUT IT.
I'VEOT SOMETHING SERIOUS TO SAY.
I'VE BEEN GETTING PRANK PHONE CALLS AT MY HOUSE.
NOW, I KNOW WE GOT A LOT OF JOKERS HERE,
A LOT OF FUNNY GUYS.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS NOT FUNNY.
IT'S ANNOYING.
MORE IMPORTANTLY, IT'S ILLEGAL.
SO I WANT EVERY ONE OF YOU COMEDIANS
IN MY OFFICE ONE AT A TIME.
LET'S GO.
SMOOTH MOVE, ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL.
READ IT.
AHEM.
"YOU...ARE A TURD.
A STINKY TURD."
"GO SNIFF A JOCKSTRAP, YOU POOP-HEAD."
"HEY, FREDRICKS, YOU LOVE PATTING BOYS' BUTTS.
YOU LOVE PATTING BOYS' BUTTS."
YOU ARE A DIMWIT...
AND AN IMBECILE.
I BLOW MY NOSE IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION.
THAT'S NOT IN THERE.
IT ISN'T?
"HEY, FREDRICKS,
"YOU LOVE PATTING BOYS' BUTTS.
BUTT, BUTT...PATTER."
START IT AGAIN. MAKE IT LOWER.
"HEY, FREDRICKS,
YOU LOVE PATTING BOYS' BUTTS."
HA HA HA HA!
"YOU'RE A PERV...
"AND A LOSER...
AND A TURD."
"GO SNIK A--
GO SNIFF..."
SNIFF?
SNIFF.
"A JOCKSTRAP, YOU POOP-HEAD."
"YOUARE A TURD,
"A STINKY TURD.
GO SNIFF A JOCKSTRAP, YOU POOP-HEAD."
JEEZ, COACH, THIS IS HARSH.
HA HA HA HA!
[IMITATING WILLIAM SHATNER] "YOU'RE A PERV AND A LOSER
AND A TURD."
YOU KNOW WHAT? WHY DON'T YOU DO SPOCK?
ALL RIGHT? GO AHEAD. DO LEONARD NIMOY.
AHEM.
LOW.
SPEAK LOW.
"YOU'RE A-- YOU'RE A PERV...
"AND A LOSER...
AND A...TURD."
OK. I'VE HEARD ENOUGH.
, YOU THINK YOU'RE A COMEDIAN, HMM?
WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME A JOKE?
A--A JOKE?
MM-HMM.
COME ON. GIMME SOMETHING TO MAKE ME LAUGH.
I DON'T KNOW.
OK. A GUY GOES INTO A BAR WITH A PIG WITH A WOODEN LEG.
SEE, I DON'T STIFLE.
THINK WE SHARE A SIMILAR SENSE OF HUMOR.
I DIDN'T DO IT TO BE FUNNY.
YEAH?
SO YOU DID IT TO, UH, TO WHAT?
TO BE EDUCATIONAL?
IT'S NOT FAIR.
OK, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
IT'S NOT LIKE ANYONE FORGETS WHO GETS PICKED LAST.
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN PICKED LAST.
EVERYONE KNOWS. GIRLS KNOW.
AND THE THING IS, I MIGHT NOT BE BAD.
I NEVER GET BETTER BECAUSE I'M NEVER GIVEN THE CHANCE.
BUT I COULD BE GOOD.
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I KNOW I COULD BE GOOD.
BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU GET PICKED LAST.
YES, IT IS.
I MEAN, YOU'VE GOT ALL THE POWER.
YOU COULD CHANGE EVERYTHING.
AND HOW WOULD I DO THAT?
SIMPLE.
LET ME PICK THE TEAMS.
HEY, LINDSAY...
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
YOU GOTTA TALK TO KIM.
WHY? DOES SHE WANNA TALK TO ME?
I DON'T KNOW,
BUT YOU GOTTA DO SOMETHING.
SHE'S DRIVING ME NUTS.
SHE'S BITCHING NONSTOP ABOUT HER MOM, YOU,
YOUR PARENTS.
I'M DYING.
WHY IS SHE GOING SO CRAZY?
SHE SAYS YOU DIDN'T STICK UP FOR HER.
I TRIED.
SHE'S STILL MAD.
I KNOW, BUT MOSTLY JUST HER FEELINGS ARE HURT.
OH, REALLY?
HMM. THOUGHT KIM WAS TOO TOUGH TO HAVE HER FEELINGS HURT.
YEAH, RIGHT.
KIM?
SHE'S LIKE THE RAWEST NERVE THERE IS.
YEAH. SHE'S LIKE A BODY WITHOUT SKIN.
SHE'S LIKE A BLOODY--
OK! I GET IT.
CAN YOU DO IT SOON?
'CAUSE SHE'S REALLY BEING A PAIN IN MY ASS.
YEAH, OK.
GREAT. I OWE YOU MY LIFE.
THANKS.
ALL RIGHT!
HAVERCHUCK H
ERE IS ONE OF OUR CAPTAINS TODAY.
SHOULDN'T THE TEAM CAPTAIN
TUALLY KNOW HOW TO PLAY BASEBALL?
DON'T QUESTION ME, PEOPLE, OK?
WHO'S THE OTHER CAPTAIN?
GORDON CRISP.
GORDON CRISP IT IS.
COME ON.
OK. WHO SHOULD I PICK FIRST?
I NEED A POWER HITTER WHO CAN HUSTLE IN THE FIELD,
WITH A STRONG ARM.
GIMME WEIR.
COME ON, WEIR.
YES! HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
GIMME LEWIS.
UM...
NOW, WE NEED A LITTLE SPEED AROUND THE BASE PADS.
UH, SCHWEIBER. COME ON, SCHWEIBER.
YES!
YEAH!
YEAH, YEAH!
OH, MAN, THE GEEKS HAVE INHERITED THE EARTH.
TODAY WE ARE GOING TO CONTINUE OUR DISCUSSION OFON THE ROAD.
MS. PROETZEL'S COMMENTS LAST TIME ABOUT PIONEER SYMBOLISM
WERE PARTICULARLY INTERESTING.
. KELLY, I AM SURE THAT YOU HAVE SOME ORIGINAL INSIGHTS.
TELL ME, WHAT, IN YOUR OPINION,
IS THE THEME OFON THE ROAD?
THE THEME... OFON THE ROAD
IS...
THE THEME'S ABOUT...
THE THEME IS...
AMERICA
AND...
BEING...
ON THE ROAD.
ON THE ROADIS ABOUT BEING ON THE ROAD.
[LAUGHTER] THAT'S GOOD.
YOU...GO ON.
I HATED THE BOOK, ALL RIGHT?
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S ABOUT,
AND THE WRITER WAS CLEARLY ON DRUGS WHEN HE WROTE IT.
I MEAN, IT WENT ON AND ON AND ON,
LIKE IT WAS WRITTEN IN A TOTAL HURRY.
IF I HANDED IN SOMETHING LIKE THIS,
THERE'S NO WAY I'D GET A GOOD GRADE ON IT.
I MEAN, IT'S BORING, AND IT'S UNORGANIZED,
AND I ONLY READ 30 PAGES OF IT ANYWAY.
WELL, THAT WAS PASSIONATE,
ALBEIT ENTIRELY MISINFORMED.
WHO DARES FOLLOW MISS KELLY'S LUCID ANALYSIS, HMM?
YES.
WELL, I THINK KIM'S RIGHT.
KEROUAC WAS HIGH ON BENZEDRINE
DURING THE 3 WEEKS HE TOOK TO WRITEON THE ROAD.
THE STRUCTURE OF THE STORY ISN'T STRONG,
AND HIS EXPERIMENTS WITH PROSE STYLE ARE TEDIOUS.
IN FACT, TRUMAN CAPOTE SAID ABOUTON THE ROAD,
"THAT ISN'T WRITING. IT'S TYPING."
PEARLS BEFORE SWINE.
WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?
[LAUGHTER]
HEY, MAN, SURE HAD A LOT OF FUN WITH YOUR WIFE LAST NIGHT.
MY WHAT?
BALL 4. TAKE YOUR BASE.
I MEAN, A LOT OF FUN!
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? ARE YOU HURT?
UM...TIME!
ALL RIGHT, TIME OUT!
WHAT? I TOLD YOU I COULDN'T PITCH.
IT'S NOT ABOUT YOUR PITCHING, SAM.
THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?
I JUST ALWAYS WANTED TO CALL A MEETING ON THE MOUND.
THIS IS SO COOL.
HEY.
MEETING ON THE MOUND?
VERY COOL.
LISTEN, BILL, I'VE GOT NOTHING LEFT.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST LET ONE OF THOSE JOCKS PITCH?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THIS ISOURGAME.
WE CAN DO THIS.
I DON'T WANT THEM TO THINK THEY WERE RIGHT
FOR PUTTING ME IN DEEP RIGHT FIELD FOR 11 YEARS.
COME ON!
HE'STHE BUTT PATTER.
UGH!
[THEME FROM ROCKYPLAYING]
YEAH! HA HA HA!
TAG UP!
WE DID IT! WE DID IT!
TAG UP!
THAT'S THE FIRST OUT, YOU MORONS!
HUH? OH.
WELL...
ONLY 8 2/3 MORE INNINGS TO GO.
YEAH!
HA HA!
YOU SEE THAT? I LOOKED LIKE WILLIE MAYS!
HEY, KIM, KIM.
KIM!
YEAH?
CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW?
NOTHING.
DO YOU WANNA COME OVER MY HOUSE?
I THOUGHT WE COULD HANG OUT.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT YOUR PARENTS?
WHAT ABOUT THEM?
DANIEL, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
I'M GONNA GO OVER TO LINDSAY'S.
OK. LATER.
GOD, THIS IS GOOD.
ANOTHER DAY OF HANGING OUT WITH HIM,
AND I'D PUKE MY GUTS OUT.
SWEAR TO GOD.
JEAN, IS THE GROCERY STORE OUT OF NORMAL FOOD?
IS THAT THE PROBLEM?
THIS IS NORMAL FOOD.
NO. NORMAL FOOD IS POT ROAST.
NORMAL FOOD IS MEAT LOAF.
IT IS DEAD ANIMAL, AND IT IS NOT ON FIRE.
NO! NO! NO, NO!
MAYBE SOME OF US ARE UP FOR SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT AROUND HERE.
DON'T YOU WANNA LIVE LIFE, HAROLD?
OR MAYBE YOU'VE JUST TURNED INTO A MEAN OLD MAN.
[SOBBING]
DON'T YOU RUN AWAY FROM ME!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH US, HAROLD?
WHAT'S HAPPENED TO US?
WE NEED CHANGE, DON'T WE?
THINGS NEED TO CHANGE.
I DON'T WANT US TO JUST BE ROBOTS.
WE ARE NOT ROBOTS,
AND THINGS DO NOT NEED TO CHANGE.
I LIKE HOW THINGS ARE.
I LIKE EATING THE SAME THINGS.
AND YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE THGS I LIKE.
I LIKE CHICKEN, AND I LIKE POT ROAST.
AND THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU, JEAN.
OH, PLEASE.
YOU LIKE ME LIKE YOU LIKE A POT ROAST?
I LOVE POT ROAST!
GOD, YOU JUST DON'T GET IT, DO YOU?!
I GIVE UP! I QUIT!
IS THAT RIGHT?
YES! YOU DON'T APPRECIATE ME.
MAYBE I'LL GO BACK TO SCHOOL.
WHAT ABOUT THAT?
YOU THINK I DON'T APPRECIATE YOU?
WELL, I DO.
EVERYTHING I DO, I DO TO SERVE YOU.
I THINK OF YOU WHEN I'M...
STOCKING FISHING POLES, AND...
I THINK OF YOU WHEN I'M ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT CROSS-COUNTRY SKI WAX.
MY WHOLE LIFE IS ABOUT SERVING YOU.
AND I LOVE YOU, JEAN.
THANK YOU.
REALLY?
MOM, DAD, WE'RE HOME.
OOH.
IS THIS WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
UGH.
MOM?
MOM? DAD?
Jean: HA HA HA! Harold: GRR! GRR!
EWW!
OH, GO
D. LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.
NEAL!
THOSE ARE MY PARENTS!
OK, OK.
GOD, YOU'RE GROSS.
WHAT?
HEY, LINDS...
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO,
BUT, YOU KNOW, WE DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.
NO.
I WANT TO.
ALL RIGHT, BUT IF THEY CALL THE COPS ON ME,
I'M OUTTA HERE.
Neal: HEY, LINDSAY.
I WAS CATCHER IN GYM CLASS TODAY.
THAT'S GREAT, NEAL.
WHERE'S MOM AND DAD?
IN THEIR ROOM.
YEAH, THEY'VE BEEN IN THERE FOR OVER AN HOUR.
ARE THEY FIGHTING?
NO.
OH! HI, SWEETIE!
HI, MOM.
UH, I THINK WE'RE GONNA ORDER FOOD IN TONIGHT,
SO MAYBE YOU COULD CALL A PIZZA PLACE
AND HAVE THEM DELIVER.
Harold: JEAN!
HEY, DAD...
KIM'S HERE.
SHE GAVE ME A RIDE HOME FROM SCHOOL.
HI, MR. WEIR.
NICE TO SEE YOU, KIM.
THANKS FOR GIVING LINDSAY A RIDE HOME.
JEAN, COULD I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU, PLEASE?
YEAH. YOUR FATHER AND I ARE GONNA BE IN OUR ROOM,
SO LET US KNOW WHEN THE FOOD GETS HERE.
YOU KIDS PLAY NICE NOW, YOU HEAR?
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY DREAMWORKS TELEVISION, L.L.C.
OH, MY GOD.
LINDSAY...
YOUR PARENTS ARE SWINGERS.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[KIDS CHATTERING]
HEY, UM...
MY FRIEND WAS WONDERING, UH...
IF I GAVE YOU A JOINT, WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH ME?
WHAT?
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID IT.
LINDSAY!
HEY! HEY, GUESS WHAT?
WE GOT A GIG.
YEAH. STROKER'S BROTHER'S GONNA LET US PLAY AT HIS PARTY.
UH, HE'S EVEN GONNA LOAN US
A MARSHALL STACK AND A PEAVEY BASS CABINET.
IT'S, LIKE, TOTAL PRO EQUIPMENT.
YEAH. WE'RE GONNA BLOW THE ROOF OFF HIS GARAGE
IN A MOST ROCK-TAGIOUS WAY.
WOW. THAT'S REALLY GREAT, YOU GUYS.
SO WE JUST NEED YOUR PARENTS' STATION WAGON TO PICK UP THE AMPS.
WHAT? YOU GUYS CAN'T USE MY PARENT'S CAR.
THEY'RE INSANE ABOUT IT.
MY DAD EVEN CALLS IT BETTY.
LINDSAY, PLEASE.
I MEAN, WE NEED TO GET THOSE AMPS. DON'T BE LAME.
I'M NOT BEING LAME, DANIEL.
MY PARENTS ARE NEVER GONNA LET US
BORROW THEIR STATION WAGON.
WELL, DIDN'T YOU SAY
THAT YOUR MOM PLAYS BRIDGE OR SOMETHING ON TUESDAYS?
YEAH, SO?
SO, SHE WON'T EVEN KNOW IT'S GONE. JUST GRAB THE KEYS.
WE'LL BE BACK BEFORE SHE FINISHES THE FIRST HAND.
I DON'T KNOW.
OH! SQUIRREL!
Kim: LINDSAY, WHOA! JEEZ, MY NECK!
JUST RUN OVER THE STUPID SQUIRREL, LINZE.
LINDSA Lindsay: AW.
Y, YOU ARE A TERRIBLE DRIVER.
SHUT UP, DANIEL.
YOU ARE.
Lindsay: HOW FAR IS THIS PLACE, JAPAN?
NO. WE'RE ALMOST THERE. IT'S ON THE NEXT BLOCK.
NO, DANIEL, I TOLD YOU.
IT'S NOT ON HANCOCK. IT'S ON WARREN.
IT'S ON HANCOCK. I WAS JUST THERE.
HEY, COULD YOU PUT ON SOME REAL MUSIC?
I HATE THIS NEW WAVE CRAP.
NO. NO. LEAVE IT ON, MAN. THAT'S JOE JACKSON.
HIS BASS PLAYER'S UNBELIEVABLE, MAN.
HEY, THERE'S VALERIE'S HOUSE, YOU GUYS!
YOU GUYS, I'M TELLING YOU, WE'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY.
LIND NO, WE'RE NOT.
Y, PLEASE DRIVE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.
I AM DRIVING NICE.
YEAH. YEAH. ROLL DOWN THE WINDOWS
'CAUSE I GOT A BIG ONE A-BREWING.
OH, NO. PLEASE DON'T.
EW. KEN, YOU BETTER NOT.
Ken: IT'S COMING! Lindsay: EW!
THOSE MILLER FARTS ARE UNBELIEVABLE.
LINDSAY, THAT'S IT!
THAT'S THE HOUSE OVER THERE! RIGHT THERE!
Lindsay: WHERE?
WATCH OUT!
OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD.
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY REPUTATION
LIVIN' IN THE PAST, IT'S A NEW GENERATION
GO AND DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO
AND THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO
AND I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO
NOT ME
ME, ME, ME, MEME, ME, ME
WHAH! NO!
NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO
NOT ME
ME, ME, ME, ME
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN OUT MY REPUTATION
I'VE NEVER BEEN AFRAID OF ANY DEVIATION
AND I DON'T REALLY CARE IF YOU THINK I'M STRANGE
I AIN'T GONNA CHANGE
AND I'M NEVER GONNA CE 'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION
CAPTIONINGADE POSSIBLE BY DREAMWORKS TELEVISION, L.L.C.
CA BOOK.
I HATE BEING IN SCHOOL AFTER IT'S OUT.
MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A JANITOR.
JANITORS ARE COOL.
I'D LIKE TO BE A JANITOR.
WHY? SO YOU CAN SHOW UP WITH THE RED SAWDUST
AFTER A KID THROWS UP?
NO. 'CAUSE JANITORS MAKE WAY MORE THAN TEACHERS.
IT MAKES UP FOR ALL THAT GROSS STUFF THEY HAVE TO DO.
Todd: WHY? Cindy: OH, YOU.
BECAUSE I'M A GIRL.
COME ON, GIRLS CAN CALL GUYS.
GIRLS DO NOT CALL GUYS.
SURE, THEY DO.
NO, THEY DON'T.
COME ON.
WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT HIM ANYWAY?
IT'S THE HAIR.
Sam: OH, COME ON.
SHE LIKES HIM BECAUSE OF HIS HAIR?
OF COURSE. HE'S GOT THE FEATHERED THING GOING.
GIRLS LOVE THAT.
YEAH. ALL THE MEN MY MOM DATES
HAVE FEATHERED HAIR.
I HEARD
HER TALKING TO HER GIRLFRIENDS.
SHE SAID ANY GUY WITH FEATHERED HAIR IS FOXY.
BUT IT'S JUST HAIR.
I MEAN, WHY WOULD GIRLS CARE HOW YOU COMB IT?
THAT'S WOMEN.
THEY GET TURNED ON BY WEIRD STUFF.
MY GOD, LOOK AT MY CAR!
WHAT WERE YOU DOING?
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING ABOUT?
I AM SO, SO SORRY.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH
YOU? DIDN'T YOU SEE ME PULLING OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY?
HEY, LADY, SHE SAID SHE WAS SORRY.
YOU KNOW, WE'RE ALL A LITTLE UPSET HERE.
DON'T TALK TO ME NOW. DO NOT TALK TO ME.
BARBARA, COULD YOU CALL THE POLICE?
THE POLICE?! COME ON, LADY!
CALM THE HELL DOWN, ALL RIGHT?
KIM, KNOCK IT OFF!
GOD, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!
WHAT? LINDSAY, HOW IS THIS MY FAULT?
OH. "THAT'S THE HOUSE!" THAT'S WHEN YOU WERE--
HEY, HEY, HEY, GUYS!
TAKE IT EASY. IT'S BOTH YOUR FAULTS.
WHAT? THIS IS NOT MY FAULT, DANIEL.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TALKED ME INTO THIS.
I DIDN'T TALK YOU INTO ANYTHING.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH TROUBLE I AM GONNA BE IN?
YOU ARE GONNA PAY FOR EVERY LAST CENT OF THIS DAMAGE, YOUNG LADY.
HEY, LADY. THERE'S SOMETHING YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE HEARD OF.
IT'S CALLED INSURANCE.
OH, PLEASE. YOU JUST STAY AWAY FROM ME. JUST STAY AWAY.
YEAH. WHO WANTS TO BE NEAR YOU ANYWAYS. YOU'RE TOO SEXY.
OH, PLEASE. OH, MAN.
[DANIEL MOANS]
OLICE.YOU KNOW THAT?
I COULD CALL THE POLICE
AND REPORT THIS AS GRAND THEFT AUTO.
I CAN SEND MY OWN DYOU KNOW THAT?
I'M SO SORRY, DADDY.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
LIEVE ANYTHINGYOU SAY ANYMORE.
WHY SHOULD I?
YOU'RE GROUNDED.
I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU FOR HOW LONG.
YOU'LL BE COMING HOMEAND SITTING IN YOUR ROOM.
NO STEREO, NO RADIO,
NO TV, NO NOTHING.
AND YOU ARE NOT TO HANG OUT
WITH THOSE BURNT-OUT FRIENDS OF YOURS...
EVER AGAIN.
EVER! DO YOU HEAR ME?
DON'T WORRY.
[SIGHS] I WON'T.
YOU'D BEER NOT.
HEY, LINDSAY.
I SAW THE SMASHED CAR IN YOUR DRIVEWAY.
JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE
ARE YOU OK, LINDSAY?
YEAH.
NO.
IT WAS SO TERRIBLE, MILLIE.
IT JUST DIDN'T SOUND LIKE ANYTHING YOU'VE EVER HEARD.
IT WAS JUST THIS THUD.
IT WAS SO SCARY.
WHO WAS IN THE CAR WITH YOU?
WHO DO YOU THINK?
SORRY, LINDSAY.
IF Y
OU WANT, I CAN GO GET MY UNO DECK.
NO. I'M FINE.
DID YOU HEAR WHAT HAPPENED AT THE MATHLETE SCRIMMAGE
AGAINST NORTH LAKE?
KATIE GOT SO NERVOUS WHEN SHE WENT UP TO DO HER ROUND
THAT SHE GOT A BLOODY NOSE.
AND THEN, SHE DIDN'T KNOW IT.
SHE HAD TO SNEEZE, AND SHE BLEW BLOOD ALL OVER THE PLACE.
[LAUGHS] SHE LOOKED DOWN, AND SHE SAW IT ON HER SHIRT,
AND SHE FAINTED.
UH-UH.
NO, SHE DIDN'T.
WELL, NO, BUT...
SHE WAS GONNA.
IT WAS PRETTY FUNNY.
SO, HOW'S THE TEAM DOING THIS YEAR?
THEY, UH-- IT'S BEEN COOL.
NOT AS FUN AS LAST YEAR.
I REALLY MISS YOU, LINDSAY.
ALL THE MATHLETES DO.
[SLIKID BY THE WHO PLAYS]
I'VE GOT MY CLIPBOARD, TEXTBOOKS
LEAD ME TO THE STATION...
OH, MAN.
HOW AM I GONNA GET THIS ON WITHOUT MESSING UP MY HAIR?
[RIP]
GONNA RUN TILL MY FEET ARE RAW
SLIP KID, SLIP KID...
MAN!
I'M A SOLDIER AT 13
SLIP KID, SLIP KID, REALIZATION
THERE'S NO EASY WAY TO BE FREE
NO EASY WAY TO BE FREE
BOY, I CAN JUST IMAGINE HOW MUCH THOSE PIRATES ARE GONNA CHARGE ME.
JUST PRETEND YOU KNOW A LOT ABOUT CARS.
BUT I DON'T.
THEY CAN SMELL IT, THE BLOODSUCKERS.
YEAH--
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
LINDSAY, YOU WANT SOME BACON?
NO, THANKS, MOM.
I'M JUST GONNA HAVE SOME JUICE.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
WHAT?
SAM.
HEY, DAD.
SAMMY, YOU LOOK SO HANDSOME.
JUST LIKE ONE OF THE HARDY BOYS.
THANKS.
HEY, SAM, WAIT UP.
BYE, MOM.
BYE, DAD.
WOW.
MY GOODNESS.
DON'T THE WEIRS LOOK NICE TODAY?
Both: THANK YOU.
SEE YOU.
SEE YOU, SAM.
HA HA HA HA!
WHAT, DID YOU JUST COME FROM CHURCH?
SO, HOW'D THINGS GO WITH YOUR DAD?
WAS HE PISSED?
NO. NOT AT ALL. HE WAS REALLY HAPPY
THAT I STOLE HIS CAR AND SMASHED IT.
HEY, IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER,
THE PARTY GOT MOVED TILL TONIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT, DANIEL?
THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER
'CAUSE NOW I'M GROUNDED, SO I CAN'T GO
TO ANY OF YOUR STUPID PARTIES, EVER.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST SNEAK OUT?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO TO HELL?
[LAUGHS] WHOA.
GOD, LINDSAY.
OH, SHUT UP, KIM!
I'M SICK OF YOU GUYS GETTING ME IN TROUBLE ALL THE TIME.
I'M SICK OF YOU GUYS, PERIOD.
MAYBE YOU'RE JUST ON YOUR PERIOD.
[KEN LAUGHS]
YEAH, DANIEL, THAT'S EXACTLY IT.
I'M ON MY PERIOD. YOU FIGURED IT OUT.
IT WAS A JOKE.
OH, SORRY.
IT'S HARD TO PICK UP ON THE SUBTLETY OF YOUR WIT.
WHAT'S UP YOUR BUTT, PRINCESS?
YOU ARE, DANIEL! I'M TIRED OF YOU USING ME.
YOU'RE THE MOST SELFISH PEOPLE
I'VE EVER MET IN MY LIFE.
LOOK, I KNOW YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT BEING SMART
OR GOING TO SCHOOL OR ANYTHING ELSE,
BUT JUST BECAUSE YOUR LIVES ARE SUCH LOST CAUSES,
DON'T KEEP ASSUMING THAT MINE IS.
WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
I DON'T KNOW,
BUT IT WAS PRETTY FUNNY.
SHUT UP.
YOU KNOW, WHO ASKED HER TO HANG OUT WITH US ANYWAYS?
LIKE WE NEED HER LITTLE JUDGMENTS ALL THE TIME.
MY LIFE AIN'T A LOST CAUSE, YOU KNOW?
HERS IS.
SHE'S JUST A BIG BABY.
I TOLD YOU GUYS THAT FROM DAY ONE.
IT'S LIKE HANGING OUT WITH MY GRANDMA.
YEAH. WELL, LITTLE MISS PERFECT DOESN'T KNOW
WHAT I'M GONNA DO WITH MY LIFE.
SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT MY PLANS ARE.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOUR PLANS?
I GOT A LOT OF PLANS.
LIKE?
WHO ARE YOU, MY GUIDANCE COUNSELOR?
WHAT AREYOUGONNA DO?
I'M GONNA WAIT FOR MY DAD TO DIE
SO I INHERIT HIS COMPANY.
THEN I'M GONNA SELL IT AND MOVE TO HAWAII.
GREAT PLAN.
I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING BETTER COMING OUT OF YOU.
WELL...
I'M GONNA BE, LIKE, A LAWYER OR SOMETHING.
I'M GONNA PUT THE POLE ON TRIAL.
I'M GONNA GET GUYS OUT OF JAIL AND STUFF.
YOU KNOW?
YEAH. MAYBE YOU CAN BREAK DANIEL OUT OF THERE.
SCREW YOU, MAN. I'M NOT GOING TO JAIL.
OK. WHAT WILL YOU BE DOING?
PLENTY.
NOW IF YOU'RE DONE GRILLING ME, MR. ROSSO,
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME A DOLLAR SO I CAN GET SOME SNO-BALLS?
OK.
YOU GUYS, I'M TELLING YOU,
THIS--IT'S NOT ABOUT THE ACCIDENT.
LINDSAY'S REALLY DEPRESSED THAT I BROKE UP WITH HER.
SHE'S GOT TO GET OVER IT THOUGH, YOU KNOW?
YEAH, NICK. SURE.
SO, I GUESS YOU'RE GONNA BE, LIKE,
A PSYCHIATRIST OR SOMETHING.
NO. I'M GONNA BE A DEEJAY, MAN.
AND MAYBE, UM, A LUMBERJACK.
THE NAME OF THE COMPANY IS TEXAS INSTRUMENTS,
BUT I HEARD IT'S MADE IN TAIWAN.
[ALL LAUGH]
HEY.
IS IT OK IF I SIT HERE?
YEAH. SIT DOWN, LINDSAY.
HI, CAREY.
HI.
HI, ERIN. HI.
LOOK, LINDSAY. ERIN GOT A NEW CALCULATOR.
IT GRAPHS AND EVERYTHING.
I GOT IT FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
THAT'S COOL.
CAN I SEE IT? Erin: YEAH.
DO YOU HAVE A CALCULATOR, LINDSAY?
NO. MY DAD WON'T BUY ME ONE.
HE SAYS EINSTEIN DID FINE WITHOUT ONE AND SO SHOULD I.
YOU DON'T NEED ONE, LINDSAY.
YEAH. REMEMBER THAT JUDGE
AT THE INTRA-DISTRICTS LAST YEAR?
HE CALLED YOU THE HUMAN CALCULATOR.
OH, YEAH.
Millie: I THINK HE HAD A CRUSH ON YOU.
WHAT?
EW, HE WAS, LIKE, 40 YEARS OLD.
THAT'S SO GROSS.
HEY, LINDSAY,
I'M HAVING A SLUMBER PARTY FRIDAY NIGHT.
ALL THE MATHLETES ARE GONNA BE THERE. YOU WANNA GO?
WELL...
YEAH, I WOULD, BUT I'M GROUNDED.
OH, YEAH.
WELL, YOU SHOULD ASK YOUR DAD.
IT'S JUST ACROSS THE STREET.
IT'S GONNA BE A LOT OF FUN.
YEAH?
WELL, IT MAYBE.
'S AN INTERESTING LOOK, SAM.
NAW. YOUR HAIR'S NOT LONG ENOUGH TO BE FEATHERED.
I THINK IT LOOKS WEIRD,
LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO BE ALL FANCY OR SOMETHING.
I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD WORRY WITH HOW YOU LOOK, SAM.
MY MOM ALWAYS SAYS THAT YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY
WITH WHAT THE GOOD LORD GAVE YOU.
WELL, THE GOOD LORD GAVE YOU A LOT, GORDON.
Neal & Sam: BILL!
MY WHOLE FAMILY'S BIG-BONED. IT'S GENETIC.
BESIDES, THE WORLD LOVES JOLLY FAT GUYS.
BURL IVES, JACKIE GLEASON...
SANTA CLAUS, UH, CURLY, RAYMOND BURR.
NO. RAYMOND BURR'S NOT JOLLY.
WELL, HE WAS EXTREMELY NICE TO ME
AT LAST YEAR'S AUTO SHOW.
HEY.
DO ANY OF YOU GUYS HAVE A PENCIL I COULD BORROW?
OH, HEY, CINDY. HOW'S IT GOING?
IT'S OK. TODAY IN CHEMISTRY,
I SAT ON A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE
AND HAD TO GO HOME AND CHANGE MY PANTS.
[LAUGHS] OH. YEAH.
SAM, DID YOU WEAR A HAT TODAY?
BECAUSE YOUR HAIR LOOKS KIND OF FLAT.
GOT ONE.
Cindy: THANKS.
I'LL BRING IT RIGHT BACK.
YOU BETTER.
OH, MAN.
YOU CAN'T JUST COMB YOUR HAIR DIFFERENT
AND EXPECT CINDY TO START LIKING YOU.
YOU HAVE TO DRESS DIFFERENT, TOO.
I DRESS OK.
SAM, YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR MOTHER DRESSES YOU.
[SCOFFS]
HEY, WELL, AT LEAST I DON'T DRESS LIKE A VENTRILOQUIST'S DUMMY.
DON'T KILL THE MESSENGER.
I KNOW I LOOK GOOD. I DRESS WELL,
AND I GROOM MYSELF PROPERLY.
LOOK AROUND.
THE WHOLE SCHOOL DRESSES BETTER THAN YOU DO.
CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES, CHANGE YOUR LIFE.
PIRATES.
WE LIVE RIGHT OUTSIDE DETROIT,
AND THEY CAN'T FIND A FENDER?
NOW I GET 2 WEEKS OF DRIVING AROUND TOWN
LOOKING LIKE SOME KIND OF HILLBILLY.
HEY, DAD, CAN I BORROW SOME MONEY?
HMM?
UH, I WANNA BUY SOME NEW CLOTHES TOMORROW.
OH, SAMMY, I'LL TAKE YOU TO THE MALL.
WE'LL USE MY CREDIT CARDS.
AND THEN WE CAN GO TO MAGIC PAN AND GET CREPES--
OH, NO. MOM! YOU ALWAYS GET ME SOMETHING STUPID,
LIKE GARANIMALS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
I WANNA BUY MY OWN CLOTHES.
Harold: GOOD IDEA, SAM.
A MAN HAS TO LEARN TO DRESS HIMSELF.
YOU KNOW, YOU GOT TO CUT THOSE APRON STRINGS SOMETIME.
DAD?
I WAS THINKING OF GOING BACK TO THE MATHLETES...
AND I'LL HAVE TO STAY AFTER SCHOOL FOR PRACTICE.
IS THAT OK?
Lindsay: DAD?
WELL, YEAH. I SUPPOSE IT WOULD BE OK.
BUT IF THIS IS SOME KIND OF PLOY,
THEN HEAVEN HELP YOU.
IT'S NOT A PLOY. AND THANKS.
OK.
OK. WHAT'S THE GAG?
THERE IS NO GAG.
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME BACK ON THE TEAM.
I'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU BACK ON THE TEAM IF YOU'RE SERIOUS.
I'M SERIOUS.
THAT'S GREAT.
THERE'S JUST ONE PROBLEM, LINDSAY.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO PUT YOU IN THE RESERVES.
REALLY? AREN'T THERE ANY OPEN BLOCKS?
NO. IT'S A BIG TEAM THIS YEAR.
LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU START COMING TO PRACTICES
UNTIL YOU GET CAUGHT UP,
AND MAYBE IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS,
WE'LL SEE WHAT WE CAN DO. ALL RIGHT?
YEAH. OK.
ALL RIGHT.
[BELL RINGS]
I GOT TO GO TO CLASS.
NO. COME ON. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
DEZ GAVE ME THE KEYS TO HIS PLACE.
WE'LL GO EARN SOME EXTRA BIOLOGY CREDIT.
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
I TOLD YOU. I HAVE TO GO TO CLASS.
OH. OK, LINDSAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? SHUT UP, MAN!
I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE GUY THAT HAD ALL THESE BIG PLANS.
YEAH. I WENT TO ALL MY CLASSES YESTERDAY.
I COULD BARELY STAY AWAKE.
THEN DRINK A CUP OF COFFEE
AND GET IT TOGETHER, DANIEL.
I'M OUT OF HERE.
SO, CARL SAGAN SAY "THAT'S NOT A COSINE.
YOU DON'T KNOW YOUR ASYMPTOTE FROM A HOLE IN THE GROUND."
[LAUGHING]
OH, HI, LINDSAY.
HEY, SHELLY.
I HEAR THAT
YOU HAVE TO BE ON THE RESERVES.
THAT'S TOO BAD.
YOU KNOW, SHELLY,
IF YOU GIVE UP FIRST BLOCK,
THEN LINDSAY COULD HAVE HER SPOT BACK ON THE TEAM.
MILLIE.
JUST KIDDING.
DON'T KID ABOUT FIRST BLOCK.
[NERVOUS GIGGLE] SORRY.
YOU KNOW, M.I.T. LOOKS WAY MORE CAREFULLY AT YOUR APPLICATION
IF YOU'VE BEEN A FIRST BLOCK.
I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU WOULD GIVE UP BEING FIRST BLOCK
JUST TO HANG OUT WITH FREAKS.
GOD, SHELLY!
IT'S TRUE! I'M NOT PUTTING HER DOWN.
I MEAN, THEY'RE THE ONES WHO MADE HER GET INTO THAT CAR ACCIDENT.
I BET YOU THEY WERE ALL HIGH.
NOBODY WAS HIGH.
OH. WAS THAT KIM GIRL WITH YOU?
SHE'S PREGNANT, YOU KNOW.
MY NEIGHBOR WORKS AT THE FREE CLINIC,
AND HE SAID THAT HE SAWER OVER THERE THE OTHER DAY.
JUST BECAUSE A GIRL CHOOSES TO LIVE HER LIFE DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU DO
DOESN'T MEAN SHE'S AUTOMATICALLY BAREFOOT AND PREGNANT.
I DIDN'T SAY SHE WAS BAREFOOT.
I MEAN, DON'T GET ALL MAD.
ANYWAY, YOU KNOW HER BETTER THAN I DO.
MR. KOWCHEVSKI, I NT YOU TO MAKE ME FIRST BLOCK.
NICE TO SEE YOU, TOO!
LOOK, AT LEAST PUT ME BACK ON THE TEAM.
I AM THE BEST PERSON AT MATH IN THIS SCHOOL.
WELL, ACTUALLY, I THINK THAT I'M THE BEST PERSON AT MATH IN THIS SCHOOL.
OK. BUT, COME ON,
LET'S CUT THE CRAP, KOWCHEVSKI.
[SIGHS] OK. YOU'RE RIGHT, LINDSAY,
THE TEAM NEEDS YOU DESPERATELY. I MEAN,
IF IT WASN'T FOR SHELLY, WE'D BE IN THE TOILET.
I CANNOT BOUNCE ANYONE FROM THIS TEAM.
THEY'VE BEEN COMING EVERY DAY, LINDSAY, IT WOULDN'T BE FAIR.
THIS IS THE MATHLETES, NOT THE FOOTBALL TEAM.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE? IT'S STILL A TEAM.
SO IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A TEAM,
YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE A WINNING ONE.
OTHERWISE, WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT OF COMPETING?
[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING]
LOOKS LIKE A DISCO.
HEY, GUY, YOU CAN'T EAT IN HERE.
I'M NOT DONE.
I CAN'T THROW IT AWAY.
WELL, I CAN'T HAVE YOU GETTING MUSTARD
ALL OVER OUR GARMENTS.
YEAH, MAYBE YOU SHOULD WAIT OUTSIDE.
NO, NO, NO.
THERE. ALL GONE.
EXCELLENT. WELL, UH,
WHAT CAN I HELP YOU GENTS OUT WITH TODAY?
YEAH, UH, I WANNA BUY SOME NEW CLOTHES.
SOMETHING THAT'LL MAKE ME LOOK LIKE
THE BEST-DRESSED KID IN SCHOOL.
WELL, I'VE GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU.
YOU WANNA BE A STUD,
OR DO YOU WANNA BE A SUPER STUD?
SUPER STUD, SAM. GO FOR SUPER STUD.
ALL RIGHT, THEN. WALK THIS WAY.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS. CHECK IT OUT!
IT'S THE LATEST THING IN.
IT'S THE HOTTEST THING GOING
IN EUROPE RIGHT NOW.
WHAT IS IT?
THIS IS A PARISIAN NIGHTSUIT,
AND I PREDICT EVERY TRENDSETTING GUY
IN THIS CITY'S GONNA OWN ONE.
WOW.
REALLY?
REALLY IS RIGHT.
BUY THIS GARMENT, AND I GUARANTEE
YOU'LL BE PERCEIVED AS A MAN OF DISTINCTION BY THE LADIES.
I DON'T KNOW.
HEY, GUYS, LOOK AT ME.
YOU KNOW, I'M NOT A HANDSOME MAN,
BUT I LEARNED HOW TO STYLE MY HAIR,
STARTED WEARING SOME OF THESE CLOTHES.
IT'S BEEN PRETTY COOL.
ALL RIGHT, GANG. I'VE HAD TO MAKE SOME TOUGH DECISIONS
ABOUT WHO'S GONNA BE COMPETING TOMORROW,
AND SOME OF YOU ARE NOT GONNA LIKE THAT.
LINDSAY, YOU'RE ON THE TEAM.
SHE REJOINS AND GETS INTO COMPETITION IN ONE DAY?
THAT'S NOT FAIR!
NO, SHELLY, IT'S NOT FAIR,
BUT IF WE LOSE AGAINST LINCOLN TOMORROW,
WE'RE GONNA BLOW OUR HOME ADVANTAGE FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR.
THIS IS JUST A LITTLE INSURANCE.
WELL, THEN, WHO'S GONNA GET BUMPED?
WELL, THAT'S STRICTLY A DECISION BASED
ON THE LAST FEW PRACTICES.
MILLIE, WOULD YOU MIND SITTING OUT TOMORROW?
OH.
NO, MR. KOWCHEVSKI.
THAT'S FINE. I DON'T MIND.
NO, MR. KOWCHEVSKI, I--I DON'T THINK MILLIE SHOULD--
NO, LINDSAY. THAT'S COOL.
THE TEAM REALLY NEEDS YOU.
NO, WE DON'T!
THIS IS COMPLETELY UNFAIR TO YOU, MILLIE.
I SAID IT'S OK, SHELLY.
Care
y: DOESN'T MATTER. SHE'S NOT--
THIS IS UNFAIR TO ALL OF US!
YOU KNOW, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!
THIS IS MY BUSINESS!
NO, IT'S NOT. SHELLY, I'M NOT TRYING--
Mr. Kowchevski: LADIES, LADIES!
THIS IS JUST
FOR TOMORROW'S SCRIMMAGE.
THIS ISN'T THE LAST CHOPPER OUT OF SAIGON,
SO CAN WE PLEASE JUST CRANK DOWN THE DRAMA A NOTCH, OK?
[FLAMETHROWERBY J. GEILS BAND PLAYING]
OW!
HEY, CINDY, WHAT'S HAPPENING?
HEY! HEY, CINDY!
HEY, CINDY, WHAT'S UP?
HEY, OUCH! OW! OW!
OH? OH!
WELL, SHE'S A FLAME
FLA-A-A-AME
FLAMETHROWER, SHE'S A...
LET'S YOU AND ME GET OUTTA HERE.
SHE'S A FLAME
FLA-A-A-AME
A RED-HOT BLOWER, SHE'S A
FLAMETHROWER TONIGHT
OW!
JEEZ, MILLIE, DON'T YOU EVER CLEAN YOUR ROOM?
I JUST DID.
I'M REALLY GLAD MR. KOWCHEVSKI
KICKED ME OFF THE TEAM SO YOU CAN BE ON IT.
HE DIDN'T KICK YOU OFF THE TEAM, MILLIE.
HE JUST PUT YOU ON THE RESERVES.
YEAH, I KNOW. DON'T WORRY.
HOW MUCH DOES SHELLY KNOW ABOUT TRIG?
IS SHE GOOD AT IT?
I THINK SO
. WE DON'T HAVE TOO MANY TRIG QUESTIONS.
YEAH, BUT WHEN YOU DO, DOES SHE GET 'EM RIGHT?
I DON'T KNOW. I FORGET.
MILLIE! COME ON, THINK!
IF I'M GONNA BLOW SHELLY OUT OF THE WATER,
I GOTTA KNOW THIS STUFF.
THINK MR. KOWCHEVSKI'LL MOVE YOU TO FIRST BLOCK?
HE'D BETTER.
IF I'M GONNA BE THE MATHLETES, I'M GONNA BE NUMBER ONE,
OR ELSE I'M NOT GONNA DO IT.
HEY, MOM. HEY, HONEY.
I THINK I'M GONNA EAT IN MY ROOM SO I CAN CRAM FOR THE SCRIMMAGE.
OH, LINDSAY, YOU'VE BEEN STUDYING NONSTOP.
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A LITTLE BREAK?
MOM,
I CAN'T. NOT IF I WANNA WIN.
LINDSAY, THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN COMPETITION.
NOT IF YOU WANT TO WIPE OUT SHELLY WEAVER.
AH. IS SHE FROM LINCOLN?
NO, SHE'S ON OUR TEAM.
OH. HEY, LINDSAY?
WHAT?
ARE YOU HAVING FUN?
YEAH. COURSE I AM.
[JOE JACKSON'SLOOK SHARP PLAYING]
HI.
HEY.
OK WHAT YOU SAY...
HEY!
HELLO!
GO ON AND LAUGH AT ME 'CAUSE YOU DON'T SEE
THAT I GOT SOMETHING GOING RIGHT HERE
[STUDENTS LAUGHING]
YOU GOTTA LOOK SHARP
AND YOU GOTTA HAVE NO ILLUSIONS...
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
OH, MAN. WHOA!
HEY, HENSON, LOOK!
IT'S THE NEW DISCO KEN DOLL!
HA HA HA HA!
HEY, PULL THE STRING AND MAKE HIM TALK!
Neal: I'M TELLING YOU, YOU CAN LIGHT THEM. IT'S METHANE.
YEAH, BUT WHAT IF THE FLAME GOES BACK INSIDE YOU?
DO YOU-- DO YOU EXPLODE?
HEY!
OH, MY GOD.
I GUESS ELVIS HASN'T LEFT THE BUILDING.
HEY, DON'T MAKE FUN OF HIM.
TH
AT'S A PARISIAN NIGHTSUIT,
IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW.
HEY, YOU GUYS--
A PARISIAN? OOH LA LA!
NO, NO. IT'S A JUMPSUIT.
MY GRANDPA IN FORT LAUDERDALE
BE WEARS THEM ALL THE TIME
CAUSE HE'S TOO LAZY TO PUT ON PANTS.
LISTEN! I GOTTA GET OUT OUT OF HERE!
HEAD FOR THE FRONT DOOR.
HEY, HEY, WHAT T--
WHY DID YOU BUY THAT?
HEY, YOU WERE THE ONE THAT SAID I SHOULD DRESS BETTER.
YEAH, I DIDN'T SAY YOU SHOULD DRESS LIKE EVEL KNIEVEL.
HEY, GUYS, I THINK WE'RE DIRECTING
MORE ATTENTION TOWARD US BY DOING THIS.
THIS IS COOL.
I FEEL LIKE I'M IN THE SECRET SERVICE.
GET ME TO THE FRONT DOOR.
[BELL RINGS]
TEST.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
W-WE GOTTA GO.
WE GOT A POP QUIZ IN WHITMAN'S CLASS, REMEMBER?
OH, MAN! OK, UH...
OK, TELL WHITMAN THAT I MISSED THE BUS.
OK.
'SCUSE ME. WHERE YOU GOING?
YEAH, UH, I WAS JUST GONNA GO OUTSIDE TO GET SOMETHING.
YEAH? WELL, UNLESS YOU'RE GOING OUT TO DRIVE A BUS,
YOU'D BETTER TURN AROUND
AND GET YOUR BUTT TO CLASS.
SORRY.
NICE DUD JUNIOR.
OK, NOW,
WHO WANTS TO TAKE A CRACK AT IDENTIFYING
ALL THE PREPOSITIONAL PHRASES IN THESE SENTENCES?
NO TAKERS, HUH?
OK...SAM.
DO YOU WANT TO COME UP HERE AND GIVE IT A SHOT?
COME ON, SAM. MAKE ME PROUD.
MY, DON'T YOU LOOK NICE!
Jock: [COUGHS] HOMO.
Second jock: [COUGHS] HOMO.
[SCATTERED INSULTING COUGHS]
HEY, HEY, HEY!
NOW--NOW IF SAM WEARING SOMETHING DIFFERENT
TO EXPRESS HIS INDIVIDUALITY
MAKES HIM A "HOMO,"
WELL, THEN, I GUESS WE SHOULD ALL BE PROUD
TO BE "HOMOS."
NOW YOU GO AHEAD, SAM.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA BEAT ME UP, ARE YOU?
NO.
WHAT ARE YOU READING?
THE, UH, THE MONSTER MANUAL.
IT'S ADUNGEONS AND DRAGONS HANDBOOK.
DO YOU PLAY?
NO.
YOU SHOULD.
YOU'D MAKE A GOO
D DUNGEON MASTER. I CAN TELL.
YEAH?
OH, YEAH.
THANKS.
CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?
SURE.
WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF ME?
EXCUSE ME?
[SIGHS] WELL, IF SOMEONE ASKED YOU...
"WHAT DO YOU THINK OF DANIEL DESARIO?" WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?
WOULD YOU SAY HE'S A LOSER?
UM, UM, NO.
NO, YOU'RE NOT A LOSER, 'CAUSE YOU HAVE SEX.
BUT, IF YOU WEREN'T HAVING SEX,
THEN WE COULD DEFINITELY DEBATE THE ISSUE.
RIGHT.
YOU GET GOOD GRADES, HUH?
YEAH, DON'T YOU?
NO. I GET TERRIBLE GRADES.
I DON'T EVEN LIKE THINKING ABOUT SCHOOL
'CAUSE I THINK ABOUT HOW BAD I'M REALLY DOING.
I WAS EVEN LEFT BACK ONCE.
OUCH. WELL...
TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
SOMEONE SENT MY DAD A CARD WITH THAT ON IT
FOR HIS 65th BIRTHDAY.
YOU'RE DAD'S 65?
70 NOW.
WHEN I'M 45 HE'LL BE 100.
[LAUGHS]
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A PRETTY INTERESTING GUY, HARRIS.
YEAH, I MEAN, YOU DO YOUR OWN THING.
YOU'RE COMFORTABLE WITH YOURSELF.
YOU GOT IT PRETYEAH, I GUESS I DO.
I DON'T HAVE SEX, THOUGH.
OK, PEOPLE, LISTEN UP. LET'S NOT GET COCKY
JUST 'CAUSE WE HAVE THE HOME-FIELD ADVANTAGE.
NOW YOU ALL KNOW YOUR STUFF,
SO JUST STAY CLEARHEADED, AND WE BLAZE THROUGH THIS.
NOW LET'S GO KICK SOME LINCOLN BUTT!
Everybody, softly: YEAH!
COME ON! LET'S GO.
GOOD LUCK, EVERYBODY.
GOOD LUCK, SHELLY.
THANKS. SAME TO YOU.
GOOD LUCK, LINDSAY.
EVEN THOUGH I KNOW YOU DON'T NEED IT.
[WHISPERING] Go, First Block!
NICK?
OH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WHAT AREYOU DOING HERE?
I
WAS JUST, UM, KILLING SOME TIME.
ALL RIGHT, I GOTTA GET GOING.
MRS. AMENDELLA?
HI, IT'S SAM FROM NEXT DOOR.
YEAH, MY MOM'S NOT HOME. DO YOU KNOW WHERE SHE IS?
OH, OK. ALL RIGHT, WELL, I'M AT McKINLEY.
YOU THINK YOU COULD PICK ME UP?
'SCUSE ME. AREN'T YOU DANNY TERRIO FROMDANCE FEVER?
NO, I TOLD YOU, IT'S CHRISSY FROMTHREE'S COMPANY.
HA HA HA HA!
WHAT DO YOU WANT, ALAN?
I JUST WANNA KNOW SOMETHING.
EXACTLY HOW QUEER ARE YOU?
SHUT UP.
NO, REALLY, REALLY, I'M SERIOUS.
YOU KNOW, JUST WHEN I THINK
HE'S AS QUEER AS HE CAN BE,
YOU GO AND DO SOMETHING EVEN QUEERER.
LET ME ALONE, ALAN! I'M SICK OF YOU!
OH, MY GOD. IT'S GO TIME!
HEY!
ALAN, HOW MANY TIMES A DAY
DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO BE COOL?
I'M JUST TRYING TO TALK TO SAM.
YEAH, YEAH, IT LOOKED LIKE YOU GUYS
WERE HAVING A REGULAR MEETING OF THE MINDS.
WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT, SAM?
MR. ROSSO...
I NEED A RIDE HOME.
IF THE HOUR HAND OF A CLOCK
MOVES K RADIANS IN 48 MINUTES,
THEN K EQUALS...
THEYE A TOUGH TEAM.
YOU NERVOUS?
I DON'T GET NERVOUS.
WOW. THAT'S GREAT.
I WISH I WAS THAT CONFIDENT.
IT COMES WITH BEING FIRST BLOCK.
YEAH, I REMEMBER.
0.4.
CORRECT.
[QUIET APPLAUSE]
WELL, GUESS I'M UP. WISH ME LUCK.
[APPLAUSE]
Freaks: WOO!
WOO HOO!
QUESTION ONE:
IF THE LONGER DIAGONAL OF A RHOMBUS IS 10,
AND THE LARGE ANGLE IS 100 DEGREES,
WHAT IS THE AREA OF THE RHOMBUS?
42.
CORRECT.
WOO! WOO HOO!
YOU OK, SAM?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA CHANGE.
DO I HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL?
I MEAN, I'M SICK OF EVERYBODY LAUGHING AT ME.
SO? LET 'EM LAUGH.
WHO CARES?
SAM, WHEN I WAS ABOUT 20,
I WAS HANGING OUT IN THIS HONKY-TONK DOWN SOUTH
WHEN A BIG BUNCH OF REDNECKS SURROUNDED ME.
STARTED MAKING JOKES ABOUT MY FRINGE VEST,
MY HAIR.
CALLING ME A HIPPIE, A WOMAN.
THEY DRAGGED ME INTO AN ALLEY,
MADE ME DANCE,
TOLD ME TO BARK LIKE A DOG.
DID YOU DO IT?
YEAH.
PRETTY MUCH HAD TO, THERE WAS 10 OF THEM.
HEH. WHAT HAPPENED?
IT DOESN MATTER.
WHAT MATTERS IS THAT I NEVER LOST PRIDE IN WHO I AM.
MR. ROSSO,
I DRESSED UP JUST TO IMPRESS CINDY SANDERS.
SAM, SOME OF MY FRIENDS
ARE THE DIRTIEST, STINKIEST GUYS YOU'LL EVER MEET,
BUT THEY DATE MORE WOMEN
THAN YOU OR I COULD EVER HOPE FOR.
IT'S ALL ABOUT CONFIDENCE.
IT'S TRUE.
IF I SAY I'M THE COOLEST GUY IN THE WORLD
AND I BELIEVE I'M THE COOLEST GUY IN THE WORLD,
THEN SUDDENLY I BECOME
THE COOLEST GUY IN THE WORLD.
I'M TELLING YOU, IT SOUNDS WEIRD, BUT IT WORKS.
BUT I'M NOT COOL.
YOU'RE NOT?
NO.
HMM.
WELL, THEN TAKE A LOOK AT THIS KID.
BECAUSE THAT'S A COOL KID.
ONE HORIZONTAL AND ONE VERTICAL ASYMPTOTE.
CORRECT. WELL DONE, McKINLEY.
"IF ARCSINE X EQUALS 2 ARC COSINEX,
THENX EQUALS..."
DAMN, I'VE NEVER FELT SO STUPID
IN MY WHOLE LIFE.
0.9.
Judge: CORRECT.
PERFECT ROUND TO McKINLEY.
[CHEERING]
YOU WERE GREAT, LINDSAY.
YOU WERE SO GREAT.
YOU'RE A BORN MATHLETE.
OK, SHELLY, COME ON.
LET'S GIVE 'EM THAT OLD McKINLEY ONE-TWO PUNCH.
GOOD LUCK, SHELLY.
"A SPHERE IS INSCRIBED IN A CUBE.
"THE RATIO OF THE VOLUME OF THE SPHERE
TO THE VOLUME OF THE CUBE IS..."
COME ON, SHELLY.
WE JUST WENT OVER THIS LAST WEEK.
0.52:1.
CORRECT.
[QUIET APPLAUSE]
DID YOU GUYS SEE SHELLY
WHEN SHE MISSED THAT SQUARE ROOT PROBLEM?
SHE STARTED SWEATING LIKE A PIG.
Erin: HEY, MILLIE, NOW MAYBE KOWCHEVSKI
WILL KICK HER OFF THE TEAM,
AND YOU CAN GET YOUR BLOCK BACK.
I GUESS. I HOPE SO.
I MEAN, I KIND OF FELT BAD FOR SHELLY, THOUGH.
FORGET HER. SHE HAD IT COMING.
Erin: OH, HEY, YOU GUYS, COME HERE.
YOU'VE GOT TO SEE M.I.T.'s DORMS.
IF I THINK I'M COOL,
THEN PEOPLE WILL THINK I'M COOL, TOO.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT MR. ROSSO SAID.
YEAH, AND HE'S COOL.
YEAH, BUT I ALREADY THINK I'M COOL.
MAYBE THAT'SSO AM I. BUT NOBODY EBECAUSE YOU'RE NOTI'M REALLY COOL.
YOU KNOW WHAT, SAM?
YOU ACTUALLY DO SEEM COOLER ALL OF A SUDDEN.
I THINK IT'S WORKING.
MR. ROSSO'S SOME KIND OF GENIUS.
Millie: LINDSAY.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
MILLIE, I GOTTA GO HOME.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
ARE YOU GONNA GO USE YOUR OWN BATHROOM?
NO, IT'S...
I JUST CAN'T DO THIS.
LY?
YEAH. I MEAN,
IT'S BEEN GREAT HANGING OUT WITH YOU,
BUT IT'S JUST NOT WHERE I'M AT ANYMORE.
THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW.
WHATI DO
BUT I DON'T THINK I WANT TO BE A MATHLETE.
THAT'S OK. I UNDERSTAND.
BUT CAN WE STILL PLAY UNO SOMETIMES?
I MEAN, WHEN YOU'VE GOT NOTHING ELSE TO DO?
YEAH, WE CAN ALWAYS DO THAT.
MILLIE, WE'LL ALWAYS BE FRIENDS.
I'LL SEE YOU AROUND TOMORROW, OK?
[SUPERTRAMP'S TAKE THE LONG WAY HOMEPLAYS]
Kim: HEY, DO YOU GUYS
WANT TO MAYBE GO SEE A MIDNIGHT MOVIE?
I THINK THERE'S A FOREIGN FILM PLAYING
AT THE STATE THEATER.
A FOREIGN FILM? IS THAT THE KIND YOU HAVE TO READ?
WHAT'S THE POINT?
THE POINT IS TRYING NOT TO BE A DUMB ASS
FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, THAT'S WHAT.
THAT'S THE POINT, APPARENTLY.
I'LL GO.
THANK YOU, BABE.
IT JUST BETTER NOT BE ABOUT A GUY WHO TALKS A LOT.
[LAUGHS]
HEY.
WHAT'S UP?
NOTHING. WHAT ARE YOU GUYS UP TO?
NOTHING.
ACTUALLY,
WE WERE JUST ABOUT TO GO SEE A FOREIGN FILM.
COOL.
YOU KNOW, JUST BECAUSE.
CAN I COME WITH YOU GUYS?
SURE.
CAN WE BORROW YOUR DAD'S CAR?
AWW.
SHUT UP, MAN.
COME ON, LINZE, YOU CAN RIDE WITH KIM AND ME.
COME ON.
LET'S GO.
HEY, LINDSAY?
I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I'M REALLY GLAD
THAT YOU'RE FEELING BETTER ABOUT OUR BREAK-UP.
I THINK YOU'RE HANDLING IT REALLY WELL.
UH, THANKS, NICK.
I THINK I'LL BE OK.
Ken: HEY, I DIDN'T GET ALL GUSSIED UP
TO SIT HERE ALONE, MAN.
Nick: I'M COMING. LET'S GO.
Daniel: FOLLOW ME, 'CAUSE YOU'RE GOING DOWN, DESARIO!
Kim: COME ON, GET IN!
LONG WAY HOME
Man on television: HEY, WHAT'S THIS, LAST CHEESECAKE BEFORE EXIT?
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY DREAMWORKS TELEVISION. L.L.C.
WOW, THIS SURE IS A NICE PLACE HERE.
YES, SIRREE, I BET ALL THE BAKING'S DONE RIGHT ON THE PREMISES.
BILL, WAKE UP. IT'S ON.
BILL, GET UP.
SAM, UP AND AT 'EM, SAM. LET'S GO.
WHY IS IT ON SO LATE?
'CAUSE AT 8:00 YOU CAN'T SAY,
"JANE, YOU IGNORANT SLUT."
I GOT YOUR ICE CREAM RIGHT HERE.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, FELLAS?
WHO WANTS YOUR ICE CREAM, HUH?
2 DOWN FRONT, DAD.
OKEY-DOKE.
HERE YOU GO.
ALL RIGHT.
SAMMY, MY BOY, OH, SAMMY,
DID YOU WANT SOME ICE CREAM? THANKS.
BILL? BILL? COME ON, BILL,
WE GOT ICE CREAM ANDSATURDAY NIGHT LIVE,BILL,
BILL?
HELLO, MY NAME'S PAULIE HERMAN.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
I'M FROM JERSEY.
GOD, I MISS BILL MURRAY.
PISCOPO CRACKS ME UP.
OH, I LOVE PISCOPO.
DAD, IF BILL'S NOT GONNA EAT HIS ICE CREAM, CAN I HAVE IT?
OH, BILL'S GONNA HAVE HIS ICE CREAM,
BECAUSE, BILL... LIVE FROM NEW YORK! IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! BILL!
[LAUGHING]
WHY DO YOU GUYS ALWAYS PUT STUFF ON ME?
I'M GONNA GET SOME POP, THAT'LL KEEP YOU GUYS UP.
YOUR DAD'S THE COOLEST.
I HEARD THAT!
YEAH.
I D'T GIVE A DAMN LIVIN' IN THE PAST, 'BOUT MYIT'S A NEW GENERATION
GO AND DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO
AND THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO
AND I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO
NOT ME
WHAH! NO!
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO
NOT ME
ME, ME, ME, ME
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY REPUTATION
I'VE NEVER BEEN AFRAID OF ANY DEVIATION
AND I DON'T REALLY CARE IF YOU THINK I'M STRANGE
I AIN'T GONNA CHANGE
AND I'MEVER GONNA CARE 'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION
N ME!
[PLAYING25 OR 6 TO 4]
WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO THIS SONG?
WHAT SONG IS IT?
IT WAS CHICAGO'S 25 OR 6 TO 4,
BUT NOW IT'S TOTALLY UNRECOGNIZABLE.
WHY DO YOU EVEN KNOW THIS SONG, MAN?
Nick: 'CAUSE IT'S A GOOD SONG, MAN.
OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS, YOU GUYS,
CHECK OUT THE PIZZA-FACE DORK WITH THE TROMBONE.
WHY DOESN'T HE JUST POP THOSE THINGS?
I THINK IF HE DID, HE'D DIE OF BLOOD LOSS.
[LAUGHS]
OH, OH, HERE WE GO.
LOOK, LOOK, IT'S TUBA GIRL.
HEY! HEY, YOUR TUBA IS SO BIG AND SEXY!
IT MAKES ME HOT LISTENING TO IT, BABY!
PLAY ME SOME BILLY JOEL! YEAH!
HEY, AT LEAST SHE KNOWS HOW TO PLAY AN INSTRUMENT.
THAT'S NOT PLAYING AN INSTRUMENT.
IT'S LIKE BLOWING INTO A TOILET.
IT SOUNDS BETTER THAN YOUR SINGING.
Nick: OOH. OH, MY.
LINDSAY, HERE'S AN IDEA.
HOW ABOUT YOU BREAK UP OUR BAND
SO YOU CAN MAKE OUT WITH NICK?
OH, WAIT, YOU ALREADY DID THAT, THAT'S RIGHT.
Nick: SHUT UP, MAN! OW!
HEY, I'M REALLY, REALLY SORRY HE SAID THAT, YOU KNOW?
EHH.
NO, REALLY. HE DIDN'T MEAN IT, YOU KNOW?
WHATEVER. NO BIG DEAL.
YEAH? YEAH.
OH, SO, HAROLD,
NEAL'S DAD IS PERFORMING EMERGENCY DENTAL SURGERY TONIGHT.
WELL, GOOD FOR HIM.
YEAH, LAST WEEK HE TOLD ME ABOUT THIS LADY
WHO SLIPPED ON THE ICE ONTO THE SIDEWALK
AND CRACKED HER TEETH.
SHE WAS ALLERGIC TO ANESTHETICS
SO SHE HAD TO BAWAKE FOR THE WHOLE THING.
SHE HAD A TOOTH IMDDED IN THE ROOF OF HER MOUTH
AND MY DAD HAD TO SUCTION OUT, LIKE, A GALLON OF BLOOD.
WELL, WHAT A CHARMING STORY.
OH, SO LINDSAY, HAVE YOU SEEN ORDINARY PEOPLEYET?
NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN IT.
OH, WELL, YOU HAVE TO.
I CRIED.
AND, UM, I'M GONNA SEE IT AGAIN.
COOL. I'M SURE YOU AND SAM
AVEA REALLY GOOD TIME.
NO, I'M NOT GONNA SEE IT.
IT'S NOT FUNNY.
NEAL, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME MORE MEATBALLS?
OH, NO, THANK YOU.
MY FATHESAYS THAT TOO MUCH RED MEAT
CAN LEAD TO HEART DISEASE.
OH.
UH, DAD, CAN I HAVE AN ATARI FOR MY BIRTHDAY?
AN A-WHAT-EE? ATARI.
THAT'S ONE WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?
OF THOSE EXPENSIVE VIDEO GAMES, ISN'T IT?
NO, NO, IT'S NOT EXPENSIVE.
YEAH, WELL, WHATEVER IT COSTS, IT'S A WASTE OF MONEY.
AND TIME.
YOU KNOW, THE WELFARE ROLLS
ARE FULL OF VIDEO GAME PLAYERS.
NO, THEY'RE NOT.
WELL, THEY'RE GONNA BE. TRUST ME.
BUT DR. SCHWEIBER TOLD NEAL
HE WAS GONNA GET HIM AN ATARI FOR HIS BIRTHDAY.
OH, I ASKED FOR IT.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M GONNA GET IT.
Lindsay: I'M OUT OF HERE.
WH
OA, WAIT A MINUTE, THERE.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I'M GOING TO THE LIBRARY.
I HAVE TO DO SOME RESEARCH FOR THIS HISTORY PAPER.
IT'S ON THE PANAMA CANAL.
WELL, COULD YOU FINISH YOUR DINNER FIRST, PLEASE?
SEE YA.
BYE, LINZE.
DON'T EVEN TRY IT.
HEY, SORRY I'M SO LATE.
WELL, THANKS TO YOU WE HAD TO CANCEL OUR DINNER RESERVATIONS.
CAN YOU EVER NOT BE SARCASTIC?
I'M SARCASTIC?
ALL RIGHT, ANDOPOLIS, COME ON.
I'M GETTING SOME MORE FRIES.
HEY. HEY.
I THINK I'M GONNA GO PEE.
SO, LINDSAY, WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH YOU TWO?
DO YOU STILL LIKE NICK?
NO. I'M JUST TRYIN TO BE FRIENDS AGAIN.
FORGET IT. YOU'LL NEVER BE FRIENDS.
MAYBE IN, LIKE, 2 YEARS.
LL
UNTIL NICK GETS ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND.
AND THEN YOU'RE JUST GONNA WANT HIM BACK
AND THEN THIS WHOLE THING IS GONNA START OVER AGAIN.
I'M NOT GONNA WANT HIM BACK.
ALL RIGHT. YEAH, SURE.
LOOK, JUST DON'T LEAD HIM ON, OK?
'CAUSE HE'S OBVIOUSLY STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU.
NO, HE'S NOT. NICK IS THE ONE
WHO BROKE UP WITH ME, REMEMBER?
OH, YEAH, LINDSAY, LIKE THAT FOOLED ANYBODY?
COME ON.
LOOK...
O NICE,YOU KNOW?
HE'S GONNA GET THE WRONG IDEA.
WELL, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE, MEAN?
NO, DON'T BE MEAN.
JUST BE A BITCH.
I DON'T KNOW--
LOOK, THIS IS FOR HIS OWN GOOD.
BELIEVE ME, IF HE KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DOING, HE'D THANK YOU.
I CAN'T HELP IT, MAN, I'M JUST--
I'M SO IN LOVE WITH HER.
RIGHT. NO KIDDING.
LOOK, YOU GOTTA STOP BEING SO NICE TO HER, ALL RIGHT?
THAT'S HOW YOU BLEW IT THE FIRST TIME.
OH, LIKE YOU'RE THE EXPERT, OR SOMETHING?
YOU AND KIM FIGHT ALL THE TIME.
YEAH, BUT CHECK MY NEW STRATEGY.
SEE, SHE CAN FLAP HER LIPS ALL SHE WANTS,
I AIN'T FIGHTING BACK.
SOONER OR LATER, SHE RUNS OUT OF GAS.
THAT IS A BRILLIANT PLAN.
ONLY TOOK YOU 2 YEARS TO FIGURE THAT OUT?
IT'S LIKE THE TORTOISE AND THE HARE, ALL RIGHT?
LITTLE RABBIT GETS TIRED,
GUESS WHO WINS?
Ken: ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT THE SAME THING?
NICK, YOU WANT TO GET LINDSAY BACK,
YOU GOTTA GIVE HER THE COLD SHOULDER.
I DON'T-- I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
THAT DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT.
TRUST ME.
DON'T CALL HER HOUSE,
DON'T WRITE HER NOTES,
AND DON'T SING TO HER.
JEEZ, MAN, WEDON'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOU
AFTER HEARING ABOUT THAT ONE.
YEAH, NICK. WE NEED OUR SPACE.
HEY, NEAL, YOUR MOM'S HERE.
SO, HOW WAS YOUR TENNIS GAME?
OH, GOD, DON'T ASK.
MY SERVE WAS IN THE CRAPPER.
I'M TELLING YOU, I'M GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS.
EVERY TIME I SWING THAT RACKET, EVERYTHING JIGGLES.
I'D SPEND MORE TIME ON THE COURT
BUT I'VE GOT A FULL-TIME JOB.
OH, REALLY?
YEAH. BEING NEAL'S CHAUFFEUR.
OH.
THE ONLY THINGSIS T I'M MISSING
HE LITTLE HAT AND THE MINI-BAR
IN THE BACK OF THE BUICK.
[LAUGHS] I KNOW THAT FEELING.
HELLO, BABY ANGEL.
BABY ANGEL.
SHH, SHH, SHH.
THANK YOU AGAIN FOR LETTING NEAL STAY FOR DINNER.
HE IS WELCOME ANY TIME.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, CIAO.
BYE.
CIAO. HA HA!
HEY, AMY.
HEY, LINDSAY.
NICE THREADS.
[DEEP VOICE] NICE VOICE.
[KIM LAUGHS]
HEY, SGT. PEPPER,
WHERE'S THE REST OF THE LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND?
WELL, LOOKS LIKE YOU ATE 'EM.
Kim: OHH. Nick: OH, NICE.
YEAH, KEN, WHEN ARE THE TWINS DUE?
THAT'S NOT NICE.
LINDSAY, IS THIS BONEHEAD A FRIEND OF YOURS?
NO, HE'S JUST A PAIN IN MY ASS.
[KIM LAUGHS]
OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
SEE YOU LATER, ELVIS.
GOOD LUCK WITH THOSE MUTTONCHOPS.
[KIM LAUGHS]
LOOK AT THIS.
[INDISTINCT]
I SEE YOU'RE ADMIRING OUR NEW MICROWAVES.
OH, NO, WE'RE JUST BROWSING, THANK YOU.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE A DEMONSTRATION?
ONLY TAKE A MINUTE. LITERALLY.
I DON'T KNOW. MY HUSBAND SAYS
ANYTHING COOKED THAT FAST CAN'T BE GOOD FOR YOU.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL BET HE WOULDN'T SAY THAT
IF HE WAS THE ONE DOING THE COOKING, RIGHT?
HA HA. MOO.
JUST KIDDING.
FROZEN SOLID. NOW WATCH THIS.
THINK OF ALL THE FREE TIME YOU'LL HAVE TO PLAY TENNIS.
MOM, I'M GONNA LOOK AT THE ATARIS, OK?
OK, SWEETIE.
WOW.
YOUR BOY LIKE HOT DOGS?
YEAH.
30 SECONDS.
OH, MY GOSH, YOU'RE KIDDING ME.
DR. SCHWEIBER?
HEY, SAM I AM.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
UM, LOOKING AT MICROWAVES WITH MY MOM.
OH, YEAH?
[CAPTAIN KIRK VOICE] WELL, SCOTTY,
I HOPE YOU'RE NOT PLANNING
TO COOK A TRIBBLE,
BECAUSE I BELIEVE THEY'RE BETTER BARBECUED.
[WOMAN LAUGHS]
I'M SORRY, WHERE ARE MY MANNERS?
SAM, THIS IS, UH, AN OLD HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND OF MINE.
UH, FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
ANYWAY, KIND OF LIKE YOU AND NEAL ARE--ARE NOW,
AND, UH, CAROL, THIS IS A FRIEND OF MY SON'S.
OH, VERY NICE TO MEET YOU, SAM.
YEAH, WE JUST RAN INTO EACH OTHER, ISN'T THAT FUNNY?
MM-HMM.
WELL, MILD
LY FUNNY. IT'S FAIRLY--
NOT ALLY FUNNY AT ALL.
CAN I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU IN PRIVATE?
YEAH.
OK, UM, LISTEN, I, UM,
I'D LIKE IT IF YOU DON'T TELL NEAL
THAT YOU SAW ME HERE, OK?
'CAUSE I'M GETTING HIM AN ATARI AS A SURPRISE.
YOU CAN KEEP A SECRET FOR GOOD OLD DR. S, CAN'T YOU?
ALL RIGHT, GIMME SOME.
DON'T LEAVE ME HANGIN', NOW.
ANYWAY, CARO ALL RIGHT.
L, WE'LL HAVE TO GET CAUGHT UP ANOTHER TIME.
WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER AND HAVE DINNER
WITH ME AND MY WIFE SOMETIME?
OH, THAT WOULD BE GREAT, YEAH.
AND IT WAS VERY NICE MEETING YOU, SAM.
GOOD-BYE, DR. SCHWEIBER.
OH, HEY, YOU KN WHAT?
THEY'RE DOING LASER FLOYD
AT LASER DOME TOMORROW NIGHT.
OH, YEAH, I HEARD THAT.
IT WAS IN ALL THE NEWSPAPERS.
OH, AND YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR A LASER SHOW?
MAN, WHY DO I NEED TO GO TO A LASER SHOW
WHEN I CAN MAKE MY OWN, IN MY MIND?
YOU GUYS, IT'S FLOYD.
"IF YOU DON'T EAT YOUR MEAT,
YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY PUDDING!"
IT'S FLOYD! COME ON,
THEY'RE NOT GONNA DO LASER FLOYD FOREVER.
ALL RIGHT! WE'LL GO! SHUT UP!
GO WHERE?
OH, TO, UH, LASER DOME.
YOU'RE TAKING ME TO LASER DOME?
YEAH. BE HAPPY.
ISN'T LASER DOME JUST A BUNCH OF SQUIGGLY LIGHTS ON A CEILING?
NO, IT'S NOT JUST A BUNCH
OF SQUIGGLY LIGHTS ON A CEILING.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?
LASER DOME IS A METAPHYSICAL EXPERIENCE.
YEAH, ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE YOUR HAND
UP WENDY FRANKLIN'S SHIRT.
OOH.
SO, DO YOU WANT TO GO OR NOT?
YEAH.
MAYBE. I DON'T KNOW.
IS IT JUST ME OR DID IT GET A LITTLE CHILLY IN HERE?
I'M GONNA GO GET SOMETHING TO EAT.
YOU GUYS WANT TO GO TO STACKEY'S?
MMM. YEAH.
WATCH HER RUN, JUST LIKE A LITTLE RABBIT.
I AM THE TORTOISE.
WAS I TOO MEAN?
NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I THINK THAT WAS PERFECT.
YOU KNOW, NICK REALLY GOT THE MESSAGE.
OK, SO WHO'S WENDY FRANKLIN?
OH, LONG STORY.
LET'S JUST SAY SHE'S A CHEAP LITTLE SLUT
THAT DANIEL MADE OUT WITH WHILE WE WERE BROKEN UP.
BUT IT'S OVER WITH HER, RIGHT?
LINDSAY, THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
HE DID IT WITH HER AT THE LASER DOME.
NOW HE WANTS TO GO THERE WITH ME?
SO, ARE YOU GOING?
WELL, YEAH. I MEAN, WHAT ELSE AM I GONNA DO?
UGH. THIS IS DISGUSTING.
I CAN'T EAT THIS.
SO, I WAKE UP THIS MORNING,
AND GUESS WHAT IS SITTING
ON THE END OF MY BED?
A TURD?
YES, BILL, A TURD.
EWW, GROSS.
AN ATARI VIDEO SET.
IS MY DAD THE COOLEST, OR WHAT?
SO, UH, SHALL WE SAY ASTEROIDS,
MY PLACE, 3:30?
YEAH, IF THAT'S WHEN YOU WANT TO GET YOUR BUTT KICKED.
YEAH, YEAH, 3:30 SOUNDS GREAT.
ALL RIGHT. IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I'M OFF TO GET ANOTHER DELICIOUS SERVING
OF BEN FRANKLIN BEANS.
REMIND ME NOT TO SIT NEXT TO HIM ON THE BUS.
WHAT'S WITH YOU?
OK, BILL, I HAVE A SECRET,
BUT YOU CAN'T TELL ANYONE.
YOU SWEAR? OK.
NO, REALLY, BILL.
I SAID OK.
OK. LAST NIGHT I SAW DR. SCHWEIBER AT THE MALL.
HE SAID HE WAS GONNA BUY NEAL THE ATARI.
SO?
SO, HE WAS WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.
HE SAID SHE WAS AN OLD FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL,
BUT IT LOOKED WEIRD.
HE WAS HUGGING HER.
WELL, THERE'S A LOT OF DIFFERENT KINDS OF HUGGING.
I MEAN, WAS HE PATTING HER ON THE BACK
WHILE HE DID IT, LIKE GUYS DO?
BILL, I DON'T KNOW. IT WAS A HUG.
SHOW ME. DO IT TO ME.
I'M NOT GONNA HUG YOU.
WHY? I'M QUITE SECURE WITH MY MANLINESS.
IT'S OK TO HUG YOUR FRIENDS, SAM.
OK, GET OFF ME, I T IT, I GET IT.
OK. SEE?
HAVE YOU TOLD NEAL?
NO, AND I'M NOT GOING TO.
YOU HAVE TO.
NO, BUT HE'LL FREAK.
I KNOW, BUT THERE ARE NO SECRETS BETWEEN US.
THAT'S OUR CODE, REMEMBER?
THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.
YOU DON'T HAVE ANY SECRETS.
REMEMBER THAT TIME IN SCIENCE CLASS
WHEN I TRIED TO SNEAK OUT A FART BUT IT CAME OUT A POOP
AND THEN I HAD TO FLUSH MY UNDIES DOWN THE TOILET?
DO YOU THINK I WANTED TO TELL YOU GUYS THAT?
BILL, IT'S NOT THE SAME THING.
IT IS. IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME THING.
WE'RE NOT TELLING HIM.
[PLAYINGWHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN]
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
NOTHING.
WHO ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
OH, I WAS JUST,
YOU KNOW, MAKING FUN OF THE BAND GEEKS.
OH. HEH HEH.
BY YOURSELF?
LET ME SEE. LET ME SEE.
IS THAT WHO YOU'RE LOOKING AT?
TUBA GIRL?
[LAUGHS]
YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH TUBA GIRL?
SHUT UP, MAN. JUST FORGET IT.
HEY, HEY, HEY.
I'M JUST EXCITED.
WE'VE BEEN WAITING SINCE THE THIRD GRADE
FOR YOU TO LIKE SOMEBODY.
IT'S GREAT.
YOU THINK SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND?
NOT EVEN AN EX. SHE'S A TUBA PLAYER.
SCREW YOU, DANIEL.
HEY, MAN, I'M JUST JOKING.
I'M JOKING. RELAX.
SHE'S CUTE.
YEAH.
SHE'S FRIENDS WITH LINDSAY.
YOU WANT ME TO TALK TO LINDSAY FOR YOU?
YES. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO.
I'LL DO IT.
HEY, YOU KNOW,
IF YOU TEL ANYONE ABOUT THIS,
YOU'RE A DEAD MAN.
HEY.
SEE YOU LATER, STUD.
Bill: DAMN. DAMN, YOU SHOULD HIT HYPERSPACE.
HYPERSPACE,SHUT HYPERSPACE!
UP, SHUT UP, I'M DOING IT!
OH.
ARGH! OHH.
MAYBE YOU SHOULDT HAVE HIT HYPERSPACE.
MY TURN.
I GOT GO TO THE BATHROOM.
OH, HEY, DON'T FORGET
TO LIFT THE SEAT THIS TIME
OR MY MOM WILL KILL YOU.
YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE SAID WE'D TELL EACH OTHER EVERYTHING?
YEAH.
DID YOU MEAN IT?
OF COURSE.
EVEN IF IT'S SOMETHING REALLY, REALLY HORRIBLE?
I MEAN, IT MIGHT NOT BE HORRIBLE, 'CAUSE IT MIGHT NOT BE TRUE.
BUT IF IT IS TRUE, IT COULD BE PRETTY HORRIBLE.
OK, BILL, YOU'RE KILLING ME.
YOU GOTTA TELL ME NOW.
OK, BU
T YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO KNOW,
'CAUSE IT'S PRETTY HORRIBLE.
BILL, YOU DIDN'T TELL HIM, DID YOU?
WAIT A SECOND, SAM KNOWS?
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
OK, IF YOU GUYS BOTH KNOW, I GOTTA KNOW.
SAM SAW YOUR DAD HUGGING A LADY AT THE MALL LAST NIGHT.
WHAT?
SHOW HIM.
ALL RIGHT.
NO, THAT'S POSSIBLE.
MY DAD WAS AT THE OFFICE LAST NIGHT
PERFORMING ROOT CANAL SURGERY.
SO, THAT WASN'T MY DAD.
IT WAS YOUR DAD.
I TALKED TO HIM.
YOU'RE LYING.
NO, YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS
BECAUSMY DAD IS COOLER THAN YOURS.
I'M NOT JEALOUS!
NEAL.
WE JUST THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW
'CAUSE WE TELLACH OTHER EVERYTHING, REMEMBER?
OH, SHUT UP, BILL.
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A D.
I DO TOO! I TALKED TO HIM 3 MONTHS AGO.
[DOOR OPENS]
HEY, GUYS. HOW'S THE GAME?
DO I GET TO FLY ONE OF THOSE ROCKET SHIPS?
I NEED TO GO HOME.
I GOTTA GO, TOO.
WAIT A SECOND.
HEY, GUYS, I'M SO LONELY.
Sam: WE HAVE TO GO.
CAN'T YOU HANG AROUND?
WE COULD HAVE, LIKE, A LITTLE ASTEROIDS CONTEST,
OR, UH, BENNY HILL.
ALWAYS GOOD FOR A...
HEY.
STILL LEAKING OIL?
YES, IT IS, AS A MATTER OF FACT.
CHINESE OR PIZZA? I'M FAMISHED.
YES, SURE. YOU PICK, MY LOVE.
[KIM CLEARS THROAT]
IF YOU HAD A BOYFRIEND
WHO HUMPED
A SLUT LIKE WENDY FRANKLIN
IN A CERTAIN PLACE--
LET'S JUST SAY THE LASER DOME--
WOULD YOU REALLY WANT TO HANG OUT THERE?
SHE'S GOT A POINT.
WOULDN'T YOU BE A LITTLE WIGGED OUT
BY THE IDEA THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND
DID THINGS WITH THIS SLUT
IN THE VERY SAME SEAT
YOU COULD BE SITTING IN?
CAN I GO TO THE BATHROOM?
HEY.
I REGRET IT.
YOU'RE SO FULL OF CRAP, DANIEL.
WHAT IF I'M NOT?
WELL, ARE YOU?
I DON'T THINK SO.
YES, THANK YOU SO MUCH. THAT'S--THAT'S GREAT.
[DOOR OPENS]
ALL RIGHT, THANKS.
SAM, IS THAT YOU?
HEY, HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, MISTER.
NOW, YOU KNOW I DON'T MIND
IF YOU DON'T COME HOME RIGHT AWAY AFTER SCHOOL,
BUT YOU HAVE TO CALL ME AND LET ME KNOW WHERE YOU ARE.
SORRY, I WAS AT NEAL'S HOUSE PLAYING THE ATARI.
I GUESS WE LOST TRACK OF TIME.
THEY GOT HIM THAT TV GAME?
I THOUGHT THEY WERE WAITING FOR HIS BIRTHDAY.
UM, I HAVE TO DO MY HOMEWORK.
OK, DINNER WILL BE READY IN ABOUT AN HOUR.
OH, AND YOU HAVE TO GET TO BED EARLY TONIGHT.
YOU HAVE A DENTAL APPOINTMENT AT 7:00 TOMORROW MORNING.
WHAT?!
YEAH, DR. SCHWEIBER JUST CALLED.
HE SAID HE COULD FIT YOU IN EARLY FOR YOUR 6-MONTH CHECK-UP.
SAM, DID YOU TAKE MY PINK FLOYD ALBUM?
NO.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE AFFAIRS?
MAYBE THEY MEET SOMEONE THAT THEY LIKE BETTER.
WELL, DO YOU THINK DR. SCHWEIBER WOULD HA AN AFFAIR?
I NEVER OUGHT ABOUT IT.
DO YOU THINK DAD WOULD HAVE AN AFFAIR?
DAD?
SOMEBODY CALL ME?
[LAUGHING]
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
FINISH YOUR HOMEWORK.
HAVE A SEAT.
DR. SCHWEIBER WILL BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE.
[HUMMING]
HELLO, SAM.
HEY. HEY.
OPEN, PLEASE.
A LITTLE WIDER.
THANK YOU.
[HUMMING]
TONGUE, PLEASE.
NO, BACK. BACK. BAD TONGUE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK THAT YOU AND ME NEED TO TALK.
WHAT ABOUT?
WELL, FOR STARTERS, YOU WERE ACTING
A LITTLE DIFFERENTLY WHEN I SAW YOU YESTERDAY.
OPEN, PLEASE.
AND, I TELL YOU, I WAS A LITTLE BIT HURT.
I--I JUST DIDN'T FEEL WELL.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?
I THINK THAT YOU MAY HAVE THOUGHT
YOU SAW SOMETHING THAT YOU DIDN'T SEE THE OTHER NIGHT.
I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING.
SPIT.
AND, UH, YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING TO NEAL
OR TO ANYBODY ELSE ABOUT MEETING MY FRIEND, HMM?
NO. GOOD.
SOME PEOPLE LOVE NOTHING MORE
THAN GOSSIPING ABOUT...
ABOUT SEEING SOMEONE SPENDING TIME
WITH ANOTHER WOMAN WHO ISN'T THEIR WIFE.
WELL, YOU CAN REST ASSURED
THAT NOTHING HAPPENED BETWEEN ME AND MY FRIEND.
YOU DO BELIEVE ME, DON'T YOU?
I BELIEVE YOU.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, I DIDN'T HAVE MANY DATES.
MET MRS. SCHWEIBER BACK IN COLLEGE
AND, YOU KNOW, SHE'S A WONDERFUL WOMAN
AND SHE KEEPS A BEAUTIFUL HOME.
IT'S JUST THAT WHEN YOU GET OLDER, YOU GET BORED.
YOU KNOW?
NO, NOT REALLY.
IT'S JUST-- IT GETS SO HARD, SAM.
I FEEL THAT THERE'S SOMETHING MISSING IN MY LIFE
AND I THINK I DESERVE THE CHANCE
TO FIND OUT WHAT THAT SOMETHING IS.
DON'T YOU?
I--I DON'T KNOW.
YEAH.
I PROMISE YOU, THINGS WILL BE BACK TO NORMAL PRETTY SOON.
ALL I NEED IS TIME.
IN THE MEANTIME, UM,
I CAN COUNT ON YOU AND ME KEEPING THIS JUST BETWEEN US?
SURE.
OK.
WELL, W THE BAD NEWS, BUD.
YOU GOT A CAVITY.
NO, HE WASN'T ON THE BUS THIS MORNING.
MAN, I FEEL REALLY BAD, YOU KNOW?
YEAH, SO DO I. I KNEW WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TOLD HIM.
HEY.
SO, ARE YOU STILL MAD AT US?
NO.
I'M ACTUALLY GLAD YOU GUYS TOLD ME.
I WAS WRONG ABOUT YOUR DAD.
HE CLEANED MY TEETH THIS MORNING.
I'M SURE NOTHING HAPPENED.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
AFTER WHAT YOU GUYS SAID,
I WENT THROUGH SOME OF HIS STUFF...
AND I FOUND THIS.
YEAH? SO WHAT?
THIS CLICKER ISN'T FOR OUR GARAGE DOOR.
I TESTED IT. WHY WOULD HE HAVE IT?
WELL, MAYBE IT BELONGS TO JUST A FRIEND OF HIS
WHO LEFT IT THERE.
YEAH, A FEMALE FRIEND.
I SAW THIS DONAHUEONCE
ABOUT HUSBANDS THAT CHEAT.
YOU CAN'T DO IT AT HOME, RIGHT?
SO THEY ALL HAD SECRET LOVE NESTS.
MAYBE YOUR DAD HAS A SECRET LOVE NEST.
THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.
HEY, KEN.
OH. LINDSAY.
LOOK, I WAS TALKING TO DANIEL--
AND HE SAID THAT I WANTED TO NAIL AMY
AND YOU'RE HERE TO TELL ME THAT IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN.
NO. HE DIDN'T SA
NO. HE DIDN'T SAYYOU WANTED TO NAIL HER.
HE WANTED ME TO ASK HER IF SHEANTED TO GO TO LASER DOME TONIGHT.
OH.
SO, DO YOU WANT ME TO DO IT?
'CAUSE I WANT TO MAKE SURE
THAT YOU WANT ME TO DO IT BEFORE I DO IT.
I WANT YOU TO DO IT.
ARE YOU GONNA BE NICE TO HER?
'CAUSE I'M NOT GONNA DO IT IF YOU'RE GONNA BE A JERK.
OF COURSE I'LL BE NICE TO HER.
I'LL BE AN ANGEL.
FORGET IT.
LINDSAY.
I'M SERIOUS.
OK.
DO YOU THINK THAT THERE'S ANY CHANCE
THAT THIS MAY ACTUALLY HAPPEN?
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT?
YOU REALLY LIKE HER, DON'T YOU?
I FEEL ODD.
SO, I TOLD MY MOM I WAS EATING AT YOUR HOUSE,
AND BILL TOLD HIS MOM HE WAS EATING AT MY HOUSE,
SO THAT SHOULD GIVE US SOME TIME.
WHEN ARE WE REALLY GONNA EAT? I'M HUNGRY.
DO YOU THINK WE'RE GONNA FIND THIS HOUSE?
WELL, WE'LL NEVER KNOW IF WE DON'T TRY.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO IF WE FIND HER?
I'M GONNA SAY, HEY, LADY,
YOU WANT TO MESS WITH THE SCHWEIBER FAMILY?
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? OK--BOOM!
Bill: HEAD BUTT!
HEY- SORRY.
AMY!
OH, HEY, LINDSAY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I JUST CAME TO SAY HI.
THAT WAS REALLY GREAT.
MAKES ME WISH I PLAYED AN INSTRUMENT.
YEAH, YOU SHOULD JOIN BAND.
WELL, I'M KIND OF TAKING A BREAK FROM ACTIVITIES.
I QUIT THE MATHLETES. TWICE.
YEAH, MILLIE TOLD ME.
SO, ANYWAY, UM,
I KNOW THIS IS KIND OF OUT OF THE BLUE,
BUT I KNOW THIS GUY--KEN.
HE'S GOT A CRUSH ON YOU.
DO I KNOW HIM?
WELL, YOU KIND OF MET HIM THE OTHER NIGHT.
WAS HE THE GUY WHO WAS MAKING FUN OF ME?
YEAH, HE'S A TOTAL WISE-ASS,
BUT THAT'S HOW HE SHOWS THAT HE LIKES YOU.
IT'S JUST THIS WEIRD SENSE OF HUMOR, I DON'T KNOW.
SO, IF YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING,
WE WERE GONNA GO TO LASER DOME TONIGHT.
WHY? LASER DOME SUCKS.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT YOU'D SAY.
I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.
BUT I'LL GO.
REALLY?
YEAH, I MEAN, WHY NOT?
KEN'S CUTE, DON'T YOU THINK?
UH-HUH.
I LOVE THOSE FUNKY SIDEBURNS.
DON'T YOU JUST WANT TO REACH OUT AND TOUCH THEM?
HEH. DO I.
LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL
LET THEM KNOCK YOU AROUND
LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL
LET THEM MAKE YOU A CLOWN
LET THEM LEAD YOU UP IN THE AIR
LET THERUSH, YOU ROCK 'N' ROLL
LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL
TELL YOU ONE THING. WHEN I GET MARRIED,
I'M NEVER GONNA CHEAT ON MY WIFE.
EVEN IF SHE GETS OLD AND FAT.
YEAH.
I'D BE HAP
PY JUST TOGETA WIFE.
BUT I DON'T THINK I WANT THE KIND
THAT'S GONNA GET OLD AND FAT.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW YOU EVEN GETONEGIRL.
HOW DOES ANYONE GET TWO?
Bill: YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE COOL, GUYS?
TO FIND A GIRL IN A BOTTLE,
LIKE--LIKE I DREAM OF JEANNIE.
I'D LIKE TO MAKE OUT WITH HER ON THAT LITTLE COUCH.
YEAH. CINDY WOULD LOOK GOOD IN THOSE PUFFY PANTS.
YOU THINK YOUR DAD'S EVER CHEATED ON YOUR MOM?
NO, NO, I DON'T THINK SO. MY DAD'S A LITTLE TOO OLD
TO WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH ANYONE.
YEAH. I'M STARTIN' TO WISH MY DAD
WAS AS OLD AS YOURS.
BillHEY, MAYBE YOU'RE JUST DOIN' IT WRONG.
OH. MAN, I ALMOST HAD A HEART ATTACK.
ELIZ THE BIG ONE!
ABETH... I'M COMIN' TO JOIN YOU, HONEY.
SHOULDN'T WE GO HOME?
I DON'T THINK THIS IS WORKING.
WE JUST STARTED!
Bill: YEAH, RIGHT... 3 HOURS AGO.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
BOY, THIS IS EXCITING.
I COULD'VE SEEN THIS OUTSIDE FOR FREE.
YOUARESEEING IT FOR FREE.
I PAID FOR YOUR TICKET.
YEAH, A WHOL
E $2.00. HOW YOU GONNA LIVE WITHOUT IT?
[CHUCKLES]
HEY, UH...CAN I-- CAN I BUY YOU A POP?
NO, THANKS.
HOW ABOUT A LEMONADE?
NO. THAT'S OK.
CHOCOLATE MILK SHAKE?
I'M REALLY NOT THIRSTY. BUT THANKS.
OK, YEAH, NO PROBLEM.
IT'S, UH...YEAH. SORRY.
HEY. ARE YOU HUNGRY?
ACTUALLY, I COULD GO FOR A HOT DOG.
OH, YEAH? YEAH. YOU WANT ONE? IT'S ON ME.
SURE. YEAH.
THANKS.
WOW. THIS SONG REALLY ROCKS.
YEAH. NEXT TIME, YOU SHOULD BRING YOUR TUBA AND...JAM.
[FRENETIC MUSIC PLAYS]
SHE SEEMED TO LIKE ME, RIGHT?
YEAH.
SEE THE SHOW
[DRUM SECTION PLAYS]
MAN. I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE SINCE, LIKE...FIFTH GRADE.
BOY, YOU MUST'VE BEEN REALLY CUTE IN FIFTH GRADE...
WITH YOUR LITTLE BLOND PIGTAILS.
[CHUCKLES]
OHHH...
SEE?
NOW I'VE ALREADY GOT A CRICK IN MY NECK.
OH. WELL, WHY DON'T YOU LEAN THE SEAT BACK?
IT GOES BACK, SILLY.
OH.
LEAN YOUR HEAD BACK.
THERE. IS THAT BETTER?
MM-HMM.
GOOD.
DID YOU LEAN YOUR HEAD BACK WITH THAT SLUT?
HEY, LOOK. ISN'T THAT THE BIG DIPPER?
GOD! WHATISIT WITH YOU?
YOU'RE ACTING SO WEIRD!
AM I?
OHH! YOU'RE DRIVING ME INSANE.
EXCUSE ME!
HEY, COME HERE.
DON'T TOUCH.
DON'T TALK TO HER.
NO SINGING
RIGHT.
THANKS.
[MUSIC CRESCENDOES]
[SHOUTING AND APPLAUSE]
FLOYD RULES!
COMFORTABLY NUMB!
YEAH!
[VIOLIN PLAYS JIG]
WHAT THE HELL'S GOIN' ON? WHAT HAPPENED TO FLOYD?
THAT'S NEXT WEEK, MAN.
TONIGHT'S SOUTHERN ROCK NIGHT.
YEE-HAW!
THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA
HE WAS LOOKIN' FOR A SOUL TO STEAL
HE WAS IN A BIND 'CAUSE HE WAS WAY BEHIND
HE WAS WILLIN' TO MAKE A DEAL
WHEN HE CAME ACROSS THIS YOUNG MAN SAWIN' ON A FIDDLE
AND PLAYIN' IT HOT
AND THE DEVIL JUMPED UP ON A HICKORY STUMP
AND SAID, "BOY, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT"
"I GUESS YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT
"BUT I'M A FIDDLE PLAYER, TOO"
[CHUCKLES] I DON'T KNOW.
IT HAPPENED. IT'S LIKE BEING IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
"BUT GIVE THE DEVIL HIS DUE"
"I BET A FIDDLE OF GO AGAINST YOUR SOUL"
"'CAUSE I THINK I'M BETTER'N YOU"
BEEN TO A MILLION HOUSES, NEAL.
HOW--HOW MANY MORE ARE WE GONNA DO, ANYWAY?
AS MANY AS IT TAKES.
I DON'T THINK WE'LL FIND IT.
THEN GO HOME.
IT COULD BE WAY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN.
THEN WE'LL FIND IT THERE.
RIGHT NOW WE'RE LOOKIN' HERE.
HEY.
NEAL!
I GOTTA GO HOME.
MY PARENTS ARE GONNA BE WORRIED.
Bill: YEAH, ME, TOO.
MY MOM DOESN'T LIKE TO WATCHDALLASALONE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS ARE GONNA BAIL ON ME!
WE CAN LOOK TOMORROW. I PROMISE.
BUT IF I DON'T GO NOW, I'M GONNA BE IN S--
WELL, I'M LOOKIN' NOW.
IF THIS WASYO YOUR DAD,
U WOULDN'T BE IN SUCH A HURRY TO GET HOME.
I'D BE THERE FOR
[SIGHS]
NEAL!
HEY.
OH. HEY.
HOW'S IT GOIN'?
GOOD...I THINK.
YOU KISS HER YET?
LAY OFF, MAN.
ALL RIGHT. BUT IF YOU'RE WAITING
FOR HER TO JUMPYOURBONES,
YOU MIGHT ASELL FORGET IT.
I'M NOT. OK?
ALL RIGHT.
WHY?
'CAUSE SHE'S A BAND CHICK, MAN.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE.
LIKE, SHOULD I JUST SAY, YOU KNOW YEAH. THAT'S PERFECT.
YEAH? WHAT ARE YOU, A FREAKING 'MO?
NO!
LOOK. IT'S EASY.
JUST STARE AT HER. RIGHT? DON'T LOOK AWAY.
KEEP STARIN' AT HER.
SOONERR LATER, YOU'LL HAVE TO KISS...
'CAUSE THERE'S NOIN' ELSE TO DO.
GOT IT?
YEAH.
HERE SHE COMES.
[WHISPERS] Do it.
THANKS.
I THINK I COULD STAY WITH YOU
FOR A WHILE, MAYBE LONGER
MUCH LONGER IF I KNEW
HEY, W, BABY
WHAT YOU WANNA DO?
I THINK I COULD...
SORRY ABOUT THE MUSIC.
YEAH. HA HA. IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
HA HA HA! YEAH.
HEY, NICK.
YEAH?
I...KNOW I'VE BEEN ACTING LIKE A BITCH.
I JUST... DIDN'T WANT TO...
LEAD YOU ON, AND I KNOW IT'S SO STUPID, BUT...
[NICK EXHALES LOUDLY]
I THOUGHT THAT YOU MIGHT STILL LIKE ME.
WOW.
YOU'RE REALLY CONCEITED.
[CHUCKLES]
[WESTERN NUMBER ENDS]
[SLOW, MOODY NUMBER BEGINS]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
NOTHIN'.
WHY ARE YOU STARING AT ME?
AM I--AM I STARIN' AT YOU?
YEAH.
WHAT'S THE DEAL?
I WANT TO KISS YOU.
UM...
OK.
WHAT?
IF I LEAVE HERE TOMORROW
WHAT?
WOULD YOU STILL REMEMBER ME?
WELL, I MUST BE TRAVELIN' ON NOW
WELL. IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU GOT HOME, YOUNG MAN.
YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.
WHAT?
THAT MAYBE SOMETIMES IT'S OK
TO SPEND A LITTLE EXTRA MONEY
ON SUCH A GOOD KID.
YEAH. MAYBE YOU CAN TEACH ME ABOUT THOSE SPACE INVADERS. HUH?
OH...
[SOBBING] DAD.
BOY. MUST'VE REALLY WANTED THAT GAME, HUH?
[LOUD ROCK PLAYS]
I'D BE LYIN' IF I DIDN'T SAY THIS IS PAINFUL.
BYE-BYE, BABY, MY SWEET LOVE, YEAH
YOU'RE JUST SWEET, AND I CAN'T CHANGE
PLEASE DON'T TAKE IT SO BADLY...